Paula (fictitious name) realized she’d felt alone and lonely all her life.
She’d been the designated scapegoat in her family. Her father had been verbally cruel and physically abusive all her life, even on his death bed. Her narcissistic mother had rejected her and allowed her siblings to do whatever they wanted to her. The siblings, narcissists themselves, had bullied and tormented her, blamed everything they did on her and convinced her that if she resisted, they’d punish her more. No matter what she did, she could never please them enough to get any caring, appreciation or respect for who she was or what she wanted. She was the outsider; alone and lonely.
Her husband treated her the same way. Everything wrong was her fault, and she was guilty for disagreeing with him or displeasing him. Her three adult children were even worse to her. Although she always tried to set an example of giving, loving and service, they followed their father’s example. The milk of human kindness was never offered to her, only the back of their hands or their demanding, forked tongues. They tried to force her to drink their cup of poison. She was never good enough. Her anger at their treatment was proof that she was a bad, selfish person, and deserved all the pain they inflicted on her. Again, she felt totally alone; rejected and abandoned.
Paula realized that she’d been battered and bruised but never defeated.
Amazingly, Paula’s Spirit was still intact and strong. Even though she felt desperate to bond with her biological family, more strong were her feelings of dislike and anger at what they’d done and continued to do to her. She knew, deep in her heart-of-hearts, the fault was theirs. She never deserved their treatment of her.
She wrote and then told her life story as an escape from prison and torture.
Paula even created a free-form dance that went from one end of her house to the other – moving from the prison of their abuse, her old rules and desperation to win them, to the chosen freedom to be her unique and authentic self.
Her sense of herself was strengthened when she gave herself permission to acknowledge the truth she knew. No wonder she’d felt alone, rejected and vulnerable all her life. She’d been the “Ugly Duckling” in her biological family. Except for one aunt and uncle, her bio-family was intent on pecking her to death. That’s what ducks and chickens do to the one they designate as different or weak. It’s in their nature, and they take great pleasure in destroying that scapegoat. They bond through their hatred and attacks.
When she felt her life as a struggle to escape from prison and torture, to escape from ducks who would peck her to death, she became mentally, emotionally and spiritually freed to leave her prison and go find other swans – her true family.
She forgave them and herself, and stopped begging, stopped debating, stopped proving.
She stopped making excuses for their behavior and she stopped trying to win them over. She knew they’d never change, no matter what she did. So instead of repeating the same old episodes and complaints, she let go of them and of her desire to connect in the magical-thinking ways she’d hoped she could.
She simply stopped thinking about them except in rare moments, when she was sick or tired or there were family occasions that she always avoided. She exchanged holiday cards with the aunt and uncle who defended her and championed her success. She was polite and civil to the ones who belittled and demeaned her, but she wouldn’t engage with them. Their opinions no longer mattered to her. The old family dynamics were boring, and she simply wasn’t interested in playing any more.
She went looking for her tribe, her chosen family.
Being by herself was scary, but she was determined, persevering and full of courage. She took her longing for true family and searched for other swans. She was alone and lonely for a while but that was better than being lonely while surrounded by people who were trying to beat her into the square peg they wanted, to beat her Spirit out of her. She stopped worrying about who would take care of her in her old age or if she’d be alone when she was old. She knew that if she stayed with those ugly ducks, she’d only get taken care of as a prisoner on bread and water, with the love and joy beaten out of her.
Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.
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