Last time, I told you part of Mary’s story with her mean, vicious, narcissistic adult daughter.
Mary’s sisters and extended family had decided that Mary’s mother was a suffering victim of her childhood and bad marriages. Therefore, Mary should put up with her mother’s anger, hostility, criticism, threats, violence and embarrassing behavior in public. Her mother wasn’t going to change so Mary stop being so sensitive. She should be strong enough to endure whatever her mother did to her. She should rise above, smile and be grateful she had a mother who loved her.
Mary’s two sisters acted just even worse than their mother did. They publicized lies about the supposedly-awful things Mary did to them; how mean and vicious she’d been to them. The extended family chose to believe them or to accept what they said because it was too dangerous to disagree and take Mary’s side. Mary should simply let them ruin every family event. Mary should be the bigger, better person; accept their bullying and abuse, and keep the peace.
Mary’s family had chosen her to be Cinderella; servant, slave and whipping girl.
She should see all the psychological reasons her mother and sisters had for hating, using and abusing her. They had good reasons for bullying and abusing her. Mary should stop trying to defend herself and prove they were wrong. She should stop making trouble and breaking the family’s peace. She should be thankful it wasn’t worse. She should overcome her resentment, anger and bitterness, and focus on being more forgiving.
Cinderella’s feelings don’t count.
Only the feelings and wishes of the step-mother and step-sisters count. Same with Mary’s mother and sisters. Only the narcissists’ feelings count. They wanted her to give up and stop protesting against servitude and beatings.
They used the four typical justifications for Mary’s submission and servitude:
Terrible backgrounds.
Physical, medical or emotional needs.
Philosophical or religious grounds.
Fear and power.
How can Mary change them?
She can’t. She’ll never change the family dynamic by begging them to be more fair, just and loving of her. The family revolves around their fear, stubbornness and power. Mary has no leverage; she’s not rich enough to make the rest of the family pressure her mother and sisters.
When Mary leaves them, will the family feel guilty and change?
No. They’re not motivated by morals, conscience or the Golden Rule. Her only power is to save herself by creating her own “Isle of Song in a Sea of Shouts” (Rabindranath Tagore). Of course, they’ll threaten her, bad-mouth her and blame everything on her.
When Cinderella no longer wants to be loved and appreciated by people full of hate, she can leave and not care what they think. Also, she can never be magnanimous enough to change their hearts. If she marries the Prince, they’ll still take everything they can and plot behind her back to destroy the marriage and overthrow her. That’s who they’ve chosen to become.
Mary’s resentment, anger and bitterness are necessary for her.
Mary’s resentment, anger and bitterness provide energy for her to protect herself from slavery. They motivate her to escape and start a new life. No matter how hard. No matter how long.
Only after she’s saved herself and her Spirit, will she be able to release the resentment, anger and bitterness because she no longer needs them. She won’t need that energy anymore.
Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.
Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.