When Nancy’s (fictitious name) daughter estranged and alienated her from her 4 and 1 year-old grandchildren, she said she hated Nancy and never wanted to see her again. Nancy thought her daughter would welcome Nancy’s withdrawal.
Nancy was wrong. Her daughter had just wanted to hurt Nancy again and watch her beg after another rejection. Entitled, selfish, bullying, narcissistic, toxic adult children like Nancy’s daughter never want their victims to leave the torture chambers they create. She’d miss using Nancy as a scapegoat and whipping post.
Nancy had been used by her daughter all her life. When the girl was a teenager, she’d realized her mother would always give in. She demanded every moment of Nancy’s time and every penny she had. In college, she insisted Nancy answer every call immediately and do every errand she demanded. When she had the children, she knew she had Nancy for life.
Nancy always had to be available for planned and sudden babysitting. And, of course for every purchase the daughter wanted and for even more verbal and emotional abuse. If she met Nancy in public, her daughter would turn to her friends or Nancy’s and make sarcastic remarks and put-downs with a smile as if making a joke. Nancy was the worst mother ever. Her daughter’s bad decisions and problems were 100 percent Nancy’s fault.
Nancy’s friends and previous counselors and therapists had told her never to give up on her daughter; to keep accepting all the blame, confessing to all the sins and crimes she’d never committed and always to reach out. Never close the door. That was the only hope her daughter’s heart might change.
When Nancy’s savings and physical and emotional energy were exhausted, she finally said, “Enough.” She’d said that before but this time was different. Nancy discarded her guilt and actually acted to set boundaries. She became too busy to come every time her daughter demanded childcare and she stopped giving money. She hung up when her daughter started to throw a temper tantrum.
Nancy was simply not willing to be criticized and abused anymore, and she wouldn’t relent, no matter how felt. She said she loved her daughter and would keep demanding good standards of polite, civil behavior, proven over time without reward.
Nancy’s daughter attacked Nancy even more viciously.
Nancy had actually expected that when she finally changed her actions, her daughter would respond by changing for the better. She’d realize she had to take Nancy’s feelings into account and start acting nicer.
But bullies and narcissists always take the opposite approach. Nancy’s daughter had always gotten what she wanted by throwing temper-tantrums and bullying Nancy into submission. Now she continued even harder.
First she told Nancy she’d never see her beloved grandchildren ever again. And she’d tell the grandchildren how horrible Nancy was. If the grandchildren ever had a problem, it’d be Nancy’s fault. She’d carry that blame to her death. “What kind of mother would abandon her daughter and grandchildren? Nancy would die rejected, isolated and alone.”
Then she called everyone in the extended family to list all the crimes Nancy had committed against her. She started posting Facebook statements about Nancy’s life-long failures as a mother. She threatened that if she ever saw Nancy at an extended family gathering, Nancy wouldn’t be allowed near her grandchildren, and she’d make a public scene.
Nancy’s daughter was addicted to the pleasure, the joy of torturing Nancy.
Nancy’s pain and eventual giving in had been her daughter’s “supply.” Of course, her daughter wouldn’t let go of her drug easily; she’d fight to keep Nancy available for abuse. Nancy couldn’t understand how anyone could be that way since Nancy had willingly given her daughter everything. Clearly, her daughter was from a different planet than Nancy.
In addition, her daughter reached out lovingly to her alcoholic, bullying, narcissistic father, Nancy’s ex, whom the girl hadn’t seen since she was three years-old. Of course he supported her as long as she criticized Nancy and wouldn’t let Nancy see the grandchildren.
Nancy finally realized her daughter was just like her biological father.
Her daughter had rejected all the lessons Nancy had tried to teach. Nancy had to let go of the dream that she’d have loving relationships with her daughter and many grandchildren. The daughter’s idea of a relationship with Nancy was that of Master to Slave: Nancy would do all the work and take all the beatings.
Nancy finally had to let go of her daughter and her shattered dream.
Nancy realized the best hope her daughter had for a miracle change of heart would be when Nancy stopped begging and pleading. That old approach fed her daughter’s hate and anger, and kept her from becoming a decent person.
Nancy would always love the girl but, as long as she acted the way she did, Nancy would dislike everything the girl stood for. Nancy decided not to keep approaching and accepting more whippings. Instead, she had to make her own life wonderful, to find people who would love her tender and treat her like true family.
Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.
Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.