Raina (fictitious name) always felt like she didn’t belong in her toxic family. She was scapegoated and used as Cinderella by her parents and her brother. He was the Golden Child; she was the servant. She didn’t know what she’d done wrong but she knew it was her fault. She vowed to be a better person, to please them so they’d finally listen to her and treat her lovingly and kindly. But, no matter how hard she tried, she was never able to please them, never able to be worthy enough. But they were her family and she vowed to keep trying.
She married to a man who was bullying, abusive and narcissistic. When the abuse got physical, she finally dared to divorce him. Her daughter was three years-old. Her ex left and started a new family, never looking back at this daughter. Raina worked hard and was successful enough to shower her daughter with everything.
By the time the girl was a teenager, she controlled Raina completely. No matter how Raina tried, she could never please her. Later, Raina’s daughter married and had children. Whenever her daughter needed babysitting, Raina was allowed to pay to see her grandchildren but she was never allowed visits on the holidays or when she wanted.
In addition, her daughter bonded with her biological father and they spread malicious, hateful lies about Raina throughout her biological family. Of course, her biological family believed the stories and plied on with more criticism and abuse of Raina.
Raina’s biological family was not Raina’s True Family.
Even as an adult, successful as she was in supporting herself all through her life, she was still an outcast in her bio-family. She was the ugly ducking – the swan raised by ducks who would peck her to death. She was encompassed by dogs, she was food for vultures.
But they were her bio-family. She’d thought she must respect and honor them no matter what. Who else would take care of her when she needed? Without them she’d be alone and lonely.
After being verbally abused and shunned one Christmas, Riana sobbed herself to sleep again. But this time, when she awoke she’d had the special dream we’d talked about. She felt totally free for the first time in her life. It was simple and clear: they were not her True Family.
All the rules she’d been fed were wrong. She’d always felt the most alone when she was surrounded by them. She was different. They’d never take care of her. She’d been trying to live the life they wanted for her but that wasn’t the life she wanted. She gave up trying to be listened to, understood, cared for by people who simply weren’t going to value her as an individual human being. She was valuable to them only when they could use her or gang up on her.
Who are Raina’s True Family?
I’ve worked with people across the globe, from all cultures, in the same situation as Raina and they had the same realization: their bio-family is not the family of their heart, mind or Spirit. They have been servants, scapegoats, outcasts in their bio-family.
Raina remembered other people in her life with whom she’d had heart-to-heart connections. They hadn’t taken her money, hadn’t blamed her for their problems, hadn’t used her like Cinderella. Those relationships had been full of reciprocal caring; they’d been interesting, exciting and fulfilling. But her family and her daughter had driven those people away.
Raina realized she’d never felt alone when she was with those people. And they had wanted to stick by her as she had tried to stick by them.
Raina’s True Family is the family of her heart, mind and Spirit.
Even more than a strong community of caring, these people were “family.” Raina was scared contemplating a future without her bio-family. But she was strengthened when she thought of living without the toxic, bullying, abuse and narcissism.
Even though it might be hard to find people like that again, she must turn away from people who wanted to enslave her and turn toward people who’d befriend her. Her Spirit demanded that turn, demanded a chance to make a life filled with warmth and peace. She felt her guilt evaporate. She gave herself the power to make the life she’d always wanted.
Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.
Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.