In a moment of clarity, Laura (fictitious name) saw her 29-year-old son smirk after she’d gotten angry and just before he was about to attack her for her outburst. She recognized how her son had always rendered her impotent; helpless and hopeless. He would provoke her relentlessly until she got angry and protested loudly. Then he would claim his feelings were hurt and he’d attack her for being angry and out of control.
His gaslighting was relentless.
With an innocent smile, he claimed he didn’t know what he’d done. She had to give him examples of what he’d done that was so bad. Then he denied doing that; she must be remembering wrong. And, with complete conviction, he’d tell her something different had happened. Or he claimed she misunderstood him or misunderstood his intentions. She was too sensitive; she over-reacting.
She was a bad person, a bad mother, and she had to give him what he wanted in order to make up for her outrageous anger.
To control her, the same tactic had been used by Laura’s parents and siblings, and then by her husband.
Laura saw that when she was growing up, she had been alternately ignored or overruled or criticized and put-down for everything she did. No one cared what she thought or wanted. She was never good enough to please them. They knew better than she in every area of life. When she said “No” to what they wanted, or when she said she wanted to do something else, they said she was an arrogant, selfish narcissist.
She’d been provoked in a hundred ways, but everyone else’s focus was on the anger she finally expressed. She was always frustrated and angry. She felt like giving up and just accepting that she was incompetent.
She’d been trained to think she was a bad person; her uncontrolled rage was the source of all family conflicts. If only she could control herself, life would be wonderful. No matter how much she prayed for inner peace or how much she tried to please them, she never seemed to achieve that. She knew she was a bad person because in her heart she just wanted to change her name and run away from them all, and leave no forwarding address
Many bullies, narcissists and toxic adult children focus on your anger and their hurt feelings.
They never allow you to talk about the original things they did to frustrate, demean or hurt you. You’re told you’re never saying things in the right way; the most peaceful, non-confrontational way. The problem is always you. Your feelings don’t matter. They won’t listen to your complaints about them until you’re perfect. Most important to them is their hurt feelings because you’re not submitting humbly to their will.
Laura was trained to carry a huge burden of shame and guilt. Her husband and son would have wonderful lives if she were calmer, kinder, more caring. The least she could do was to apologize for her faults and give them everything they want.
After that moment of clarity, Laura prepared herself to speak her son’s pattern out loud.
She wrote a short, bullet-pointed speech so she’d remember what she wanted to say. The next time he started to provoke her, she smiled and laughed at him, and calmly told him what he was doing. He was stunned and silent for a moment. Then he acted crushed because she was being mean to him. She laughed again and calmly told him she wasn’t going to play that game anymore. Did he need a time out to calm himself down?
She remembered she was not on trial here. She didn’t have to debate or prove anything to him. She did not have to please him or make him feel good. She was testing him. She asked if he would be willing to focus first on what he was doing, or did he want to continue acting like an injured victim, which would prove he was a bullying, abusive adult who wanted to be in absolute control of her.
Of course, that wasn’t the end of his attempts to provoke her. But Laura persisted. When she was hooked occasionally, she stepped back and focused on the provocations and said she wasn’t going to play his game.
Then she turned on her husband’s use of the same tactic.
Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.
Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.