Bullies, narcissists want to write script of your life

Before Thanksgiving, Barb saw the pattern that had been ruining her life as long as she could remember. She felt trapped; no way out.

Her mother told Barb exactly what Thanksgiving feast she must put on in order to make her mother happy. Her adult daughter told her she’d given Barb Thanksgiving as the one holiday she was willing to see Barb. Then she described the way she wanted Barb to prepare it. Her daughter declared Barb’s job in life, as a good mother, was to make her daughter happy.

Actually, Barb didn’t want to be with any of them. They were both negative, critical, controlling, demanding, bullying and abusive. She wanted to be alone and to have some peace and quiet away from other people’s demands.

Bullies, narcissists want to write the script of the part you’re supposed to play in their lives.

Your part is always to do what they want when they want it, to make them happy anyway they want, to take any abuse they want to heap on you. You’re merely an actor in their script and you’d better play your part. They’re the writer, the director and the critic. You don’t get to re-write your part. You don’t get to challenge what the director wants. You’re merely an actor who follows orders.

That was the story of Barb’s life from child to middle-aged slave. Her voice was never as important as theirs. Really, she had no voice. Her job was to make them happy.

Woe unto you if you disobey their orders.

They’ll do anything to make you play the role they assign you. According to them, the worst sin you can commit is to rebel: to try to write your own part in your own life. No, even worse would be for you to go find another theater to put on your own play for your life. Who do you think you are? You must be kind, loving, considerate, forgiving of them.

Barb’s life was at stake: she must write her own part or die.

The idea that if she gave in, she’d be their slave for the next fifty years was so strong, Barb felt her struggle was life or death. She must make her voice stronger than theirs.

Barb found her strong voice at her Core, coupled with peace, calm and power. In a supreme act of courage, she simply said, “No. I’m not going to be at Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to be by myself and do what I want all day.

Of course they all blew up at her.

They used every threat and line of emotional blackmail they’d previously used successfully. But this time Barb was different. Her anger at her previous acceptance of their scripts and her fear of wasting the rest of her life gave her the strength and determination to stay in the role she wanted. She didn’t argue. She said, “Thanks for sharing.” She didn’t try to find another solution to fix their problem and make their lives work the way they wanted.

Barb freed herself from the part they were trying to force her to play and from the guilt they tried to force on her.

They kept testing Barb.

Barb made sure they knew she’d had the best Thanksgiving ever. She refused to talk about what a bad girl she was.

Her mother and daughter came with multiple, small requests for Barb to serve them. That was her role. Even though she was willing to do some of the requests, Barb knew she had to say, “No,” to all of them. She was establishing a new baseline.

When their Christmas demands came in, she again said, “No,” to putting on the big performance they wanted. But she did say she’d come to someone else’s event for a little while.

It took a year of withdrawal for Barb to see her mother wouldn’t have anything to do with her unless she played her assigned role. But her daughter accepted that Barb got to write her own part. And her daughter realized she’d better try to make Barb happy sometimes.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

With bullies, narcissists, are you in danger?

Alice couldn’t believe her adult daughter would do anything really bad to her. After all, she’d given everything to her daughter, even paid for college. She was sure that underneath, even after a 25 year history of rage and attacks by her daughter, she really wouldn’t harm Alice. Her daughter was simply emotionally immature.

With bullies, narcissists, how much danger are you in?

Between the ages of 5 and 18, Alice’s daughter opposed any rules, resisted any discipline, snuck out, ran away, threw temper tantrums, broke furniture, broke Alice’s favorite things, threatened to hurt Alice when she got older, slapped Alice and lied to the rest of the family and to teachers about Alice beating and abusing her.

Between 18 and 30 she told college security Alice’s mother threatened her and had her walked off campus, stole Alice’s car and left for a week, called the police claiming Alice had smacked her, filed for a temporary restraining order saying Alice had abused and abandoned her and told people at work Alice had abused her, and had Alice barred from the building.

All of her accusations were lies. These were only a few of the examples.

Are the threats only toward you or to everyone?

This is an important question. Did Alice’s daughter behave the same way toward teachers, coaches, professors or bosses at work? If so, Alice’s daughter has a serious, probably intractable, problem that society will have to deal with. She’d need someone to protect her and enable her to get away with acting horribly or, eventually, she’d get thrown out of college, lose her job, confront the police and the system would deal with her.

On the other hand, actually, Alice’s daughter threatened only her, and the people and things she held precious. She’d charmed professors, gotten good grades, and was a perfect professional at work. Recently, she could always run back to the bosom of Alice’s ex, who’d verbally and physically abused her daughter when she was young. He’d been a bullying, abusive narcissist but now gave her daughter everything she wanted.

That meant, her daughter knew what she could get away with in each situation; she wasn’t totally crazy. She simply thought she could torture Alice without fear of anything bad happening to her.

Here’s a quick way of assessing:

Place all these incidents (and any others you suspect happened based on your experience and reading) on a scale from mild to life-threatening. Somewhere on that scale you must draw a line at the point of no return.

Before this line, you’ll get your hopes up only to be crushed, you’ll give your love and money, and be spit on and you’ll experience servitude, emotional pain and torture. But you won’t go to jail.

However, beyond that line, you’re in grave danger. Your reputation and ability to work might be destroyed, you’ll be snubbed by extended family and neighbors and you might be run out of town. You’ll be followed by social workers and the law, and you might go to jail.

When behavior is beyond that line, you must give up trying to beg, educate, use facts, reason and logic, and rehabilitate. If you try, you’ll probably be destroyed. You must fight to protect yourself

What’s likely to happen?

In my experience, Alice must draw the line at the point where her daughter went public with lies about Alice’s mother, lies about Alice, getting the police involved, Alice is in grave danger. Especially now that her daughter is supported and encouraged by Alice’s ex. Alice has been lucky so far. In all the previous situations, the police and the judge believed Alice. But it will take only one miscarriage of justice and Alice will be ruined.

Alice must have no contact with her daughter. Fortunately for Alice, her other children are grown and independent so she doesn’t have to protect children from a predator. She must stop trying to welcome her daughter back into family events in hopes of reconciling. She can only pray and wait for her daughter to prove she’s had a change of heart by good behavior over a long period of time.

How do you know for sure?

Most people try to decide based on the facts. Since there were always a few good moments in the past and since there are no facts yet for the future, you can’t be sure what I’m predicting will be one hundred percent certain. But if Alice waited until she had evidence that would stand up in court, it’d be too late; she’d be ruined with little chance of rehabilitating herself.

I estimate future probabilities based on character, personality and previous performance.

Obviously, based on Alice’s daughter’s hate-filled personality, lack of good character and past performance, Alice herself predicted continuing and escalating attacks. Alice’s gut wisdom predicted she was in grave danger and she’d better protect herself.

Alice let go of her precious guilt and stopped being the enabling, rescuing victim. She stopped contact with her daughter, blocked her on all devices and got a restraining order against her.

But what might her daughter think?

Might her daughter think Alice doesn’t love her anymore? Alice decided she wanted her daughter to know she was pushing her away and closing the door on her personality and hate. And there would be a high price of good behavior to pay before there would be any hope of reconciliation. Words and promises would no longer be enough.

Alice’s survival and future became most important to her. Her daughter was infuriated because Alice took control of the distance between them, honored her standards of good behavior and stopped playing her game.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Bullies, narcissists want you enabling them

Zina said she was born to enable; it was in her blood, reinforced by her childhood training of how to be a good, loving mom. Her 40 year-old son abused her need to rescue him and insisted she continue. He said he’d fail in life if she didn’t help him. She owed it to him because she hadn’t made him happy enough when he was growing up.

Bullies, narcissists want to be at the center of “a Great Circle of Enabling.”

Zina insisted her son was nice to her when he was growing up, even through high school and college, except when he was throwing temper tantrums at her for not rescuing him or making his life easy. To her, he was critical and demeaning; selfish and narcissistic; bullying and abusive.

Even though he was bright, she had to smooth things over when he was flunking courses because some teachers wouldn’t allow him to do nothing or be obnoxious in class, or some coaches wouldn’t play him because he hadn’t come for practices. She’d always manufactured excuses to get him more chances.

When he got in trouble with the police, she begged, pleaded and hired expensive lawyers. According to him, her job in life was to make sure he never suffered.

When he didn’t have good enough grades or Standard Test scores to get into the colleges he wanted, she did everything necessary to get him into colleges acceptable to him. Later, she begged or coerced administrators and professors to forgive his behavior in the dorms or class.

She knew he was spoiled but what could she do? She didn’t want any options closed to him. She was sure someday he’d grow up and be the wonderful son she’d hoped for.

When Zina didn’t protect, coddle or cater to him, he’d attack her.

If he didn’t get what he wanted or get away with what he’d done, she’d failed him. His problems were her fault. He’d throw temper tantrums, destroy furniture, call her a rotten mother and give her the loud, silent treatment until she gave in. He’d even pushed her and slapped her. But that was only twice so she thought it wasn’t too bad. He was just sensitive and high strung.

He threatened her; if she didn’t give him everything, he’d fail and kill himself.

Zina carried tremendous fear, responsibility and guilt. She kept encouraging and giving, hoping the one percent wonderful infant would take over his life, instead of the ninety nine percent lazy, manipulative and entitled adult.

To release her enabling, rescuing patterns, Zina changed her old beliefs, rules, roles and habits.

Eventually she saw he’d chosen a path that manipulated her and was bad for him. Enabling ensured that he’d stay narcissistic and fail; she’d been hurting him. He’d flushed all her time, energy, money and love down the toilet. He was addicted to his laziness and the rush he got from being angry at her. He was addicted to getting what he wanted, the way he wanted, and squeezing it out of her, and whining for more. That was easier than working for it.

The only chance he has for a miracle is to fail and suffer. Then, instead of continuing to blame her, he might choose to do the hard work of struggling and succeeding in the world. Or not.

Of course, Zina struggled with the possibility he’d really die homeless or commit suicide. But she persevered and didn’t allow her sympathy and guilt to deflect her from what she knew was his only chance. She kept encouraging him to find the strength she knew was buried deep inside him.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Bullies, narcissists torture you in their cage

Wendy stepped out of her old, unconditional love, forgiveness and enabling perspective for an instant and changed her life. She saw both her husband and one of her adult daughter’s trying to keep her in a cage and torture her into submission. She was like one of those teenage girls held captive by a sociopath in the attic or basement.

Some bullies and narcissists torture you in their cage.

Wendy’s husband insisted she stay home unless he send her out on special errands for him or she was shopping for groceries. He was negative, critical and demeaning; he was bullying and abusive if she got angry or spoke up. A few times a year he’d get her something he thought was nice so she’d know he really cared and loved her. But he’d always take it away in a few days because she’d displeased him. The more she tried to please him, the sweeter his voice became for a few hours but then she’d do something wrong and he’d have to punish her again. She could never please him or do anything good enough.

Wendy’s adult daughter’s cage was shaped differently. Wendy was never good enough to see her beloved grandson unless her daughter needed her. Then Wendy had to jump immediately to serve her daughter. And Wendy had to follow her daughter’s rules or else she wouldn’t be allowed to see him for weeks. Wendy knew her grandson missed her as much as she missed him. Her daughter told her she’d better do exactly what her daughter wanted or she’d be responsible for convincing her grandson she didn’t love him enough. The responsibility and guilt were crushing. Wendy could never figure out why her love and good behavior didn’t earn her more time with her grandson.

Bullies, narcissists want you all for themselves.

Wendy realized that anything she wanted to do for herself was forbidden. If she was interested in anything else, she might not be available to serve them. They told her she forced them to keep her in their cages. Wendy had thought of them as having minor “control issues.” That label made their behavior see almost normal; “That’s just the way they are.” Now she felt the weight of her oppression. She had to escape from torture in the cages they had for her.

Escape from her husband’s cage was hard but easier than from her daughter’s.

Clearly seeing the cage and torture gave Wendy courage, strength and determination. With her husband, she started by trying to educate him to pay attention to her feelings and wants. When that failed, she broke with her old beliefs, values and habits. She simply started saying, “No,” and she refused to accept any punishment for her resistance and lack of respect. His silent treatment now seemed like peace. His yelling and emotional manipulation hurt but she could endure the pain until she started enjoying the fresh air of freedom.

Wendy finally saw her resistance to her daughter’s rules did not make things worse.

At first, Wendy thought she was making her grandson suffer. But then, she realized her daughter kept her grandson away only when she didn’t need Wendy. She simply used the excuse that the punishment was Wendy’s fault. But as soon as she needed Wendy, she’d allow Wendy to crawl back into her good graces. No good behavior on Wendy’s part ever got her more time or freedom with her grandson.

Wendy allowed herself to see she didn’t like her daughter and wouldn’t play her old role as captive any longer.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Bullies, narcissists: The family Princess

Vera grew up being Cinderella in her family. She was the designated servant/slave. She was bullied and abused, emotionally manipulated and physically battered. Her parents were demanding, controlling narcissists. Vera’s sister had been selected for the role of Princess and she wallowed in it. She lied, manipulated and controlled Vera. She was the Petulant or the Demanding Princess.

Vera’s family cast one of her daughters in the Princess role.

After they’d gotten Vera to serve them, they lavished all their attention on that daughter and tried to force Vera’s other children to play the Cinderella roles. Of course they had the usual excuses and justifications: that daughter was the sensitive one (The Princess and the Pea story), she was needy, she was weak. None of that was true. They claimed the other children were the strong ones and didn’t care if they had to serve the Princess. None of that was true either.

By the time Vera was clear, strong and brave enough to rebel, it was too late.

Vera’s daughter, like Vera’s sister, jumped at the Princess role. She loved being the center of everything. She was sure she deserved it, it felt so good and she wasn’t going to give it up. She’d sold her Soul eagerly. When Vera started objecting openly, her daughter was already an adult and could threaten Vera by withholding her grandchildren.

Vera’s sister, the “helpful” aunt, sided with that daughter and encouraged her to torment Vera and to try to get the other children to side with her against Vera. It was two Princess against the servants.

The two Princesses forced the issue; Vera had to submit or she’d be responsible for destroying the family.

Vera realized there had always been two families. Growing up, the only family unity came when Vera was willing to play Cinderella. Now, the same dynamic was repeating. But now she knew the fault wasn’t hers; the Princesses and their courtiers had one hundred percent of the blame. She let go of her guilt; she wasn’t responsible. The people destroying a family worth having were her parents, her sister and that daughter.

They’d created a family Vera did not want to belong to.

Vera chose freedom.

The pain of gathering her other children and accepting the estrangement forced by the Princess and her Court was less than the pain of accepting a life of servitude and forcing her other children to do the same. So she made one loving family with the people who were willing to love each other tenderly as equals; not as masters and servants, Princesses and Cinderellas.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Must you honor and respect toxic parents the way they want?

Tina’s toxic, controlling, demanding, blackmailing, manipulative, bullying, abusive father insisted she honor and respect him by doing everything he wanted, any moment he wanted. From seemingly little things like running errands to big things like attending events he’d arranged for the whole family at the last moment to please himself. He didn’t care that Tina’s husband had to work or that Tina’s four children had events of their own.

Warning: If you’re in the opposite position:

if you’re a good, kind, loving, reasonable parent with toxic adult children – you’ll hear the same accusations thrown at you. But you do know who the problem is in your situation. You know by how you feel and by the behavior of your bullying, abusive adult children. They’ll behave like Tina’s father, with the additional weapon of withholding your grandchildren.

Back to Tina’s father.

He pitted one adult child against the other. He told them lies about each other and bestowed favoritism from one to the other. If you obeyed him, you were in the will; you were a dutiful child going to heaven. If you ever questioned what he was doing or wouldn’t jump when he wanted, you were going in the other direction and out of the will. His decisions were final and there was no disagreements, excuses or appeals.

He’d spent money on Tina when he was raising her and now she had to be obedient and submissive to show honor and respect. In addition, he blackmailed her emotionally by saying he needed her to care for him now he was getting old. He wanted only her; not the other children or any professionals. She had to make his feelings most important.

Must you honor and respect toxic parents the way they want?

No. More important is that you become independent and live your life according to your own standards. You don’t have to make their lives easy and convenient the way they want. You can care for them in your own kind, loving way.

Being truthful, honest and open are the best ways to show you respect someone else. Being their slave and giving up your own unique life to serve them bestows no honor.

Follow the dictates of your own Spirit. Anyone who tells you different, for whatever reason they give, is really trying to make you into their slave. They want to be your Lord and Master. Of course they have justifications.

Tina and her husband faced a choice.

Her father made it an all-or-none choice. Submit or be cast out. They chose freedom instead of slavery. Of course, that meant they started out less rich than he could make them, but they’d set a wonderful example for their children.

Don’t believe me. Believe your Spirit: Give your life to your Spirit.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

In bullying, narcissistic relationships, you’re "the help”

Shelly’s husband was crystal clear but she’d never faced the truth before. He said, “You took my name so you took on my goals.” She fooled herself into thinking that meant they’d talk and come to some joint agreement about what to do with their time, energy and money; they help each other be happy.

In bullying, narcissistic relationships, you’re “the help.”

After two children and years of control, demands, manipulation, emotional blackmail, demeaning, public put-downs, guilt-trips, bullying and mental, emotional and sometimes sexual and physical abuse, Shelly finally understood he was saying exactly what he meant. She was his hands whenever he wanted to use her to do anything he wanted. She was on-call 24/7.

He never cared about providing money for the family so, in his mind, money was her job unless it interfered with errands he wanted her to do at any moment. She could do whatever she wanted as long as he approved and she’d drop everything in an instant to do what he wanted at the moment. Therefore, she could spend no money he might have a use for and have no interests that came before him.

The problem was not his lack of intelligence, understanding or emotional sensitivity.

Whenever she brought up his promises, he denied them or said she’d misunderstood. When he read what she’d made him write as promises, he said he didn’t care what she thought. The words hadn’t gone over his head; he just didn’t care about what she thought or wanted. Finally he explained it patiently; her wishes, desires, wants, needs didn’t matter. The only things that mattered were his goals.

After seeing the movie, “The Help,” he told her servitude was what she’d signed up for. And he had no intention of changing. If she wasn’t happy, she was wrong and bad, and it was her problem to make herself happy.

In return for a life-time of obedient and submissive service, she’d get into heaven as a good girl and dutiful wife.

Otherwise, she was doomed and he could treat her anyway he wanted. And he told their children to use her also, as long as what they wanted didn’t interfere with his use of her.

What could Shelly do?

She’d tried for years to please him so he’d be happy and start doing things that pleased her. “After all, that’s what a marriage is supposed to be, isn’t it?” He said she was all wrong. Her job was to serve him; she was too dumb, selfish, angry and ugly to survive without him. If she left him, she’d never make it on her own. She’d be alone forever.

Then he showed, once again, how sensitive to her he really was. He listed all the things she feared he’d do and promised her, if she resisted or if she left him, he’d do them and worse. He’d ruin her reputation with her family and his. He’d get everyone in town to scorn and punish her. He make her life hell. He’d lie if he had to.

Shelly faced her worst fears.

Everyone would think she was a bad person. She’d be alone forever. She’d never get into heaven.

After tremendous agony and second-guessing of her thoughts and feelings, she finally decided rather than be a slave forever, she’d live her own life according to her own standards.

She did and life became wonderful. But that’s another story.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Against bullies and narcissists, bitterness and anger can help

Ruth was upset; she wanted to get rid of the bitterness and anger she felt against one of her own adult children.

That child was ripping Ruth’s family apart. Since she’d been a teenager, she’d thrown tantrums, blamed her unhappiness on Ruth and tried to turn the other children against Ruth. She demanded all of Ruth’s time, energy and money; she tried to control every situation and manipulate everyone to her hidden agendas; she claimed she was never loved enough; she was negative and critical of everything, nothing would satisfy her. She was bullying and abusive. She expected Ruth to feel guilty, apologize and grovel at her feet.

I’ve seen the same pattern in other situations: people often feel bitterness and anger toward toxic parents and siblings, and also toward controlling, manipulative ex’s who continue to torment them.

Ruth thought bitterness and anger were bad characteristics.

She thought she wasn’t a good person since she obsessed on all the wrongs her daughter had done and the harm she’d caused. She wished she could simply let go and love her daughter unconditionally as she had when the girl had been an infant.

Bitterness and anger provide motivation.

Ruth realized her bitterness and anger served an important function. She needed those feelings to motivate herself to protect herself against a predator who wanted to destroy her and her family.

She needed to be on guard every moment in order to stay safe from a crazy, vicious narcissist who happened to be in her family. She needed tremendous energy and focus to protect herself from hidden agendas, attacks and manipulation. But the mental, emotional and physical cost was high for Ruth.

There is no good, joint resolution with narcissists and relentless bullies.

Ruth’s unconscious knew her daughter would take advantage if she ever relaxed her guard. Her daughter might look sincere, might make “binding” agreements but she’d shown she was simply a great actress. Only her daughter’s good behavior over time, without reward, would show her daughter actually had a change of heart.

With narcissists and relentless bullies there is no joint understanding and forgiveness so you can immediately move ahead with love and good behavior.

Don’t be fooled by “sincere” apologies.

Many of Ruth’s friends told her to let go of her bitterness and anger. They advised her to be more forgiving. If she let go of her fear, her daughter would also let go of whatever she was afraid of. They said that the only person Ruth could change was herself, and when she changed, her daughter would automatically change in response.

What bullies and narcissists mean by “forgiveness” and “reconciliation.”

When they say they want to put the past behind and move ahead with a clean slate, they mean they want to continue getting away with abusing you; they want you to instantly open up again to further abuse because you’re so easily fooled. If you’re willing to give them instant gratification, they don’t have to change their ways at all.

When will Ruth let go of her bitterness and anger?

She’ll let go of the bitterness and anger when she knows she’s protected, when she has no fear because she knows she’s safe; naturally, automatically and easily.

Finally, Ruth can see what she has to focus on: staying true to what she knows, not letting fleeting feelings of remorse and guilt sweep her into letting a hungry wolf in her home. She must fence her daughter safely away from the rest of the family. She must keep the fence electrified until she’s sure, because of her daughter’s amends, reparation, and good behavior over time without instant reward, that a miracle has occurred in her daughter’s heart.

Simple, clear. Not easy. Until Ruth changes her motivation strategy or until Ruth knows she’s safe, she needs bitterness and anger.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Bullies, narcissists don’t want the same relationship you do

Paula was shocked and angry at herself when she suddenly saw her husband had never wanted what she would call a real relationship with her. She’d kept herself deaf and blind for thirty years.

What she’d heard and thought.

When they were dating, he’d said he’d thought she was a good woman and he valued her. All the years they’d been married, when she’d pinned him down, he’d say she was okay and he needed her and would never let her leave.

She’d heard and thought those words meant the same thing to him as they had to her: love and marriage meant an equal partnership, listening to each other, valuing each other’s opinions, giving each other what made the other person happy and loved, bearing the burdens equally, making decisions together, kindness, caring, etc.

The relationship he really wanted; insisted on.

Usually he let her believe that fantasy but sometimes he told her straightforwardly: he was her lord and master, her purpose in life was to do what he wanted – to run his errands, to cook and clean for him and anyone he chose to bring to their home, to earn money and give him complete control of it, and to wait silently for him to tell her when he wanted her to do something for him. Seemed clear enough to him.

He was always negative, critical and demeaning. She never did enough, no matter how much she’d done. He was too busy and important to clean up anything so she had to do all the cleaning, all the errands, all the chores. Even worse, he showed he wasn’t interested when she gave opinions. Of course he was angry, she wouldn’t shut up and submit, and she wanted him to do things he didn’t want to.

Paula had found excuses for these rare moments of candor and clarification of what he’d meant.

She minimized the truth and assumed he simply was speaking unclearly or he didn’t really understand how much he’d hurt her feelings. She couldn’t imagine anyone could be so different from her; didn’t care what she thought or wanted, didn’t want a wonderful relationship with a partner and helpmate, didn’t want a real marriage.

She’d never listened to his words, never counted all his actions that showed how he really thought and felt. She’d ignored the thousands of times he stuck her with verbal and emotional needles when he wasn’t physically or sexually brutalizing her. She minimized never receiving birthday or Christmas presents. She wouldn’t accept his actions as bullying and abuse. After all, he’d said he cared and valued her.

That way, she could maintain her illusion that they wanted the same thing; her ideal of a real relationship.

She realized he’d known from the beginning what he’d wanted and how to use her.

Usually he was content to let her believe her delusions so he could use and abuse her. Usually he lied by omission; by not setting her straight when he saw she’d misunderstood what he really intended. He excused that by saying he hadn’t openly lied. He justified himself by saying he’d told her the truth a few times. It wasn’t his fault she chose not to hear, pay attention or count it. She’d blinded by her own hopes and wishes. Her fault for wanting something different from him and her problem.

He didn’t care about her as a person.

He valued her only for the work she could do for him and for being willing to endure being beaten any time he felt like beating her. She was a useful tool and he wasn’t going to part with her. He’ll use every excuse or justification, every threat to keep her in line. If she wanted to get away she’d have to do it based on her judgment and against his will.

Once Paula’s ears and eyes were opened, once she counted the pain and torment she’d endured, she had to get free.

She felt so stupid and guilty. She’d wasted so many years of her life but she wasn’t going to waste any more. He’d always said he’d never agree to her leaving; he wouldn’t let his right arm go. She knew he meant he’d never let go of his servant, his slave, the source of his money. She’d have to break free against his will and probably in defiance of their adult children.

She’d been strong enough to endure slavery; she be strong enough to fight for and enjoy freedom.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Bullies, narcissists choose; they’re not created by past events

When Opal was dating her husband, she’d felt sorry for him. He’d been raised in such a poor, restrictive environment and he’d suffered so much, he didn’t know how to behave nicely. He fought at the drop of a hat because he was sensitive to slights, to attacks on his honor, to people he thought would take advantage of him.

He’d been taught to rule women, especially his wife. He was continually negative, bullying and abusive; he didn’t know any better. But she knew he didn’t mean her harm, he loved her and she loved him so much she was sure she could teach him to care for her.

Thirty years and three grown children later, Opal felt like a failure.

She hadn’t been able to rescue him from the conditions and events, from the results and effects of his upbringing. She thought that meant she just didn’t love him enough, she hadn’t found the right communication tools, she hadn’t filled his emotional needs. She’d failed.

It wasn’t his fault; he couldn’t help himself, he meant well. She thought he suffered from Asperger’s Syndrome or was on the autism spectrum. She felt terribly guilty and ashamed. She had no self-esteem.

Finally she allowed herself to see the choices he made.

She saw he always controlled his temper around other people, listened carefully to what they wanted, did favors for everyone else, adjusted his schedule to please them, worked hard to make everyone like him. He chose to be wonderful to them, male and female.

However, he chose to control her every move and to take his unhappiness out on her.

He had different rules for her. He never wanted her opinion and was angry when she offered it. He ignored her suggestions, never remembered what she liked, left her stranded when he felt like doing other things, expected her to clean up after him, never allowed her to do anything unless he’d ordered it.

Opal saw it was totally his choice; he wasn’t forced to act that way because he didn’t know any better.

Mental or emotional deficiencies had only been her excuse to accept his way of treating her; to pretend that giving up her life made her a good person; made her a good wife, helped her rise above.

Since he never suffered consequences, he had no incentive to change. He’ll use any excuse or justification; he’ll never admit he was doing anything wrong or mean (especially, not intentionally)

Opal can’t prove it so why does it matter?

When she’d thought he was created and forced by his upbringing to be uncaring, she’d felt sorry for him and allowed him to continue tormenting her while she tried to figure out how to teach him better. It wasn’t his fault so why should he suffer any consequences?

But when she saw him as choosing to treat her like a slave or scapegoat, she got angry. She didn’t want to keep sacrificing her body, mind and Spirit while waiting for him to learn.

Opal saw her future as soul-crushing.

When she looked ahead at the rest of her life, she saw she was in a life and death struggle to determine who was in charge of her future; him or her. As long as she stayed, he could think he was fine; he’d done nothing wrong and she was just too sensitive and controlling.

He’d get worse with age. That was sufficient motivation for her. Well, that and finally deciding to become a model for her daughters. She decided to be responsible for her future, not for serving him the way he wanted.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Bullies, narcissists: The cult of users

Nancy thought if she broke away from her extended family – parents, husband, two of her four adult children – she’d be alone and lonely the rest of her life. Most of her family bullied, abused and used her. Since that was family, she thought she’d never find people nicer and kinder. She was also sure she didn’t know how to have good relationships.

Nancy grew up lived in a cult of users.

Why do I call her extended family a “cult?” Two reasons:

1. They have the symptoms of cults. For example; other people knew what was right and true, what she should and must do, staying with them was her only way to salvation, she couldn’t trust herself, she must serve them, they need her to help them, if she tried to leave they’d destroy her, they said she was too helpless and incompetent to succeed in the outside world, everyone outside was wrong, bad and dangerous, etc.

2. I didn’t want her to look for psychological reasons to excuse their behavior and to minimize her pain. I wanted the word “cult” to make her so angry and strong, brave and determined, she’d resist their lies and break free.

Nancy had been groomed to serve.

The only roles that won her relief from negativity and criticism, verbal abuse and physical beatings were servant or slave, enabler or competent fixer. She was bullied and guilt-tripped to stop being selfish; stop putting her wants and needs before the feelings of others.

Even when she was an adult, they never showed real kindness or consideration of her wants. The most happiness she felt were moments of relief from pain and torment. Sometimes, she was promised something she wanted but it was always jerked away at the last moment. She was not allowed to enjoy a few moments of peace and quiet by herself, or to visit someone she might have enjoyed.

Nancy was condemned if she did something, condemned if she didn’t.

Whatever she did was either wrong or never good enough. Sometimes, the criticism was openly abusive or sarcastic, while other times it was subtle so she couldn’t object and defend herself. Even if she did what was demanded, they’d say she misunderstood and did it the wrong way. Or they’d deny they ever said it and witness for each other that she was wrong.

She was shocked to realize they didn’t care; she was merely prey.

She was trained to beat herself, “What did I do wrong? Nobody who cared would act the way they did unless I’d provoked them terribly.” Of course her self-doubt increased while her self-confidence and self-esteem plummeted.

Nancy had failed to change them using every method she could find about how to communicate better and to be a better, more caring, understanding and forgiving person. She’d tried to please them all her life; she’d done nothing wrong; their behavior was not her fault.

Every situation, all the patterns were explained simply; they didn’t care about her. They were selfish narcissists; she counted no more than a servant and whipping post. She’d been raised in a cult of users and abusers.

She was horrified at the realization and started testing them. Each time, they proved her new insight was accurate.

Despite the difficulty, Nancy broke free; step by step.

At first, she was immobilized by her fears and isolation. But she was helped by writing a short story of her life as a struggle to escape from bondage in order to be free. They’d tortured her and keep her in solitary confinement so she wouldn’t feel equipped to deal with the outside world.

Now her Spirit and anger rose up and kept her on track. She’d get free or die trying. First she stopped accepting her role in the cult, no matter how they threatened or tried to manipulate her back into slavery. Then she made distance between her and followers of the cult.

Each small step she took helped her take more steps. Each step backward meant she’d try harder next time. Simple and clear, even if not easy.

She was surprised when she attracted new people who wanted to enjoy her company in a reciprocal way.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Family enablers choose Cinderella

Last time, I told you part of Mary’s story with her mean, vicious, narcissistic adult daughter.

Mary’s sisters and extended family had decided that Mary’s mother was a suffering victim of her childhood and bad marriages. Therefore, Mary should put up with her mother’s anger, hostility, criticism, threats, violence and embarrassing behavior in public. Her mother wasn’t going to change so Mary stop being so sensitive. She should be strong enough to endure whatever her mother did to her. She should rise above, smile and be grateful she had a mother who loved her.

Mary’s two sisters acted just even worse than their mother did. They publicized lies about the supposedly-awful things Mary did to them; how mean and vicious she’d been to them. The extended family chose to believe them or to accept what they said because it was too dangerous to disagree and take Mary’s side. Mary should simply let them ruin every family event. Mary should be the bigger, better person; accept their bullying and abuse, and keep the peace.

Mary’s family had chosen her to be Cinderella; servant, slave and whipping girl.

She should see all the psychological reasons her mother and sisters had for hating, using and abusing her. They had good reasons for bullying and abusing her. Mary should stop trying to defend herself and prove they were wrong. She should stop making trouble and breaking the family’s peace. She should be thankful it wasn’t worse. She should overcome her resentment, anger and bitterness, and focus on being more forgiving.

Cinderella’s feelings don’t count.

Only the feelings and wishes of the step-mother and step-sisters count. Same with Mary’s mother and sisters. Only the narcissists’ feelings count. They wanted her to give up and stop protesting against servitude and beatings.

They used the four typical justifications for Mary’s submission and servitude:

1. Terrible backgrounds.

2. Physical, medical or emotional needs.

3. Philosophical or religious grounds.

4. Fear and power.

How can Mary change them?

She can’t. She’ll never change the family dynamic by begging them to be more fair, just and loving of her. The family revolves around their fear, stubbornness and power. Mary has no leverage; she’s not rich enough to make the rest of the family pressure her mother and sisters.

When Mary leaves them, will the family feel guilty and change?

No. They’re not motivated by morals, conscience or the Golden Rule. Her only power is to save herself by creating her own “Isle of Song in a Sea of Shouts” (Rabindranath Tagore). Of course, they’ll threaten her, bad-mouth her and blame everything on her.

When Cinderella no longer wants to be loved and appreciated by people full of hate, she can leave and not care what they think. Also, she can never be magnanimous enough to change their hearts. If she marries the Prince, they’ll still take everything they can and plot behind her back to destroy the marriage and overthrow her. That’s who they’ve chosen to become.

Mary’s resentment, anger and bitterness are necessary for her.

Mary’s resentment, anger and bitterness provide energy for her to protect herself from slavery. They motivate her to escape and start a new life. No matter how hard. No matter how long.

Only after she’s saved herself and her Spirit, will she be able to release the resentment, anger and bitterness because she no longer needs them. She won’t need that energy anymore.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Some bullies, narcissists play the victim

Mary’s adult daughter decided she was the victim of a terrible childhood and it was all Mary’s fault. Mary had forced her to do homework in courses she hadn’t liked, had not taken her to all the events she wanted, had divorced her father when she was 12 and had not given her a car when she was 16. It had broken her heart. A lot of her claims were outright lies. Her feelings mattered and Mary didn’t appreciate how much she’d suffered.

Mary had paid for her daughter’s college. But her daughter didn’t invite Mary to the graduation; she invited her father instead. She was afraid Mary’s presence would upset him and this was his and her special day. Anyway, Mary deserved every bad thing that was done to her.

All along, she’d ignored how Mary felt. She ignored her father’s constant criticism, bullying and abuse of Mary. She ignored the fact that he’d hit Mary twice. She ignored the fact that he’d never given Mary or his daughter a penny. She ignored the fact that Mary had to work two jobs to support them and make a third, job-like effort to arrange as much as she could for her daughter’s activities and enjoyment.

Many bullies and narcissists decide they’re the victims; only their feelings and sufferings count.

Everyone should center their lives on making sure the bullies and narcissists aren’t denied anything and don’t have hurt feelings. They have many socially-acceptable reasons why their feelings and desires should be catered to. Typical justifications are:

1. Terrible backgrounds. The world (meaning you) are supposed to make up for what they didn’t get before. If you won’t be their slave, you deserve their lying, manipulation and attacks.

2. Physical, medical or emotional needs. They are the most sensitive people in the world. That’s just how they are. If you don’t give them what they want, you’re not caring or loving enough and you should be punished.

3. Philosophical or religious grounds. They should be served because they’re men or husbands or the breadwinners. They should be served because they’re delicate women. If you don’t serve them, you’re punishing them.

4. Fear and power. If you want their love or money, you’d better serve them. If you want them not to destroy your reputation with the rest of the family, you’d better obey them. They’re more stubborn and relentless than you are. Do what they want and maybe they’ll back off or even give you a pittance.

Of course, I’m not agreeing with any of these. I’m simply listing what people have told me. The last category might not sound like a suffering victim. But their typical justification is that they’re simply defending themselves against your past torment of them.

Mary couldn’t change her daughter’s mind.

Mary felt so guilty; she must have done something terrible for her daughter to feel that way about her. She tried everything she could think of to convince her daughter to accept the facts or truth of what happened when she was growing up or that she was using bad logic to justify herself and excuse her horrid behavior toward Mary.

She finally realized her daughter was not beginning with facts and logic, and then drawing conclusions. Her daughter’s righteous anger felt so good, she’d become addicted to it. She began with wanting to force Mary to be her slave. Then she’d find clever arguments to justify her feelings and behavior. She’d use tantrums, accusations, guilt-trips, lies to Mary’s family and any other tactic she could think of.

Now that she’d become an adult, now that she’d gotten everything she thought she needed from Mary, she was done with her mother. Anyway, her father now had more money and wanted to give her everything in order to build a bond with her. He didn’t seem to mind serving her now.

What could Mary do?

That’s a long and very different story. It began with Mary grieving for how her life with her daughter had been a lie, for the character and values her daughter had now and for her shattered hopes and dreams because she wouldn’t have a wonderful relationship with her daughter.

But Mary could and did still make a wonderful life for the second half of it.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Bullies, narcissists are not like you

Leigh kept shaking her head and saying she couldn’t understand why her oldest daughter would say she’d never see her grandchildren if Leigh didn’t cut her other children out of her will. After 35 years of enduring rages, blame, silent treatment, bullying, abuse and even physical attacks, Leigh still wailed that it made no sense.

Leigh said, “I showed her how loving people treat each other. Everyone wants to be nice to their family, don’t they? Everyone wants to work things out, don’t they? We’re all the same underneath, aren’t we? Everyone wants peace, tranquility and love, don’t they? Everyone wants to follow the Golden Rule and get into heaven, don’t they? It makes no sense.” Leigh was blindsided every time her daughter manipulated, guilt-tripped or attacked her.

Leigh had clung to her childhood beliefs and ignored the evidence.

She could talk about how she frozen with terror at her parents drunken, crazy anger, but she was sure they loved her and wanted the best for her. She could talk about how critical, negative, mean and vindictive her narcissistic ex-husband had been; how she’d thrown her body between him and the kids in order to protect them, but she was sure it was important that the children loved their father and knew he loved them. So she never said a word of truth against him. She could talk about the thousand things her oldest daughter had done, but she knew her daughter wanted the best for Leigh and her other siblings.

She’d believed in infinite goodness at the core of everyone and in the idea we’ll all eventually come around to loving each other. When she was growing up, that hope kept her struggling for a better life; the hope sustained her.

But now her oldest daughter was forcing her to choose between the other children she enjoyed and who enjoyed her, and the one child who was full of entitlement, greed, jealousy and hate.

Leigh broke through: as an adult, she took into her heart and soul the reality that there are people totally different from the way she was.

She’d never understand why people would choose evil as a way of life, but now she allowed herself to recognize selfish people motivated by money, power and the pleasure of inflicting pain. Now, she could predict what her daughter would do based on her past performance. Now, Leigh could use her energy to protect herself, her happiness and her other children instead of wasting her time and energy trying to understand a daughter who was different from the way she was. People, including her children, had totally different desires, values and character; they had totally different rules of behavior even though she’d raised them all. That was the way the world was.

Now, Leigh could plan how to respond to what was likely to happen.

Just like she’d finally given up trying to rehabilitate her ex-husband, she gave up trying to educate and convert her daughter by forgiving, minimizing and catering to her. Bur she wouldn’t give up on herself and the future she wanted. She decided to use her life to love the children and grandchildren whose love felt wonderful in return. She also decided to matter to non-family members who wanted and appreciated her caring. Whenever she had second thoughts, she remembered her decision not to cast her pearls before swine, and she was comforted and strengthened.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Bullies, narcissists addicted to anger

Kayla couldn’t make sense of one of her adult daughter’s anger. Her daughter would fly into a rage over the smallest things; she’d make a suspicion or misunderstanding into a battle for life and death. According to her, everything was Kayla’s fault. Her negativity, hate, criticism, and bullying could be felt from miles away. She’d always been that way but had gotten worse as she’d gotten more independent.

Kayla had tried to be a great parent; she’d given her daughter everything she could and had accepted all the blame for her daughter’s hurt or angry feelings. She’d apologized numerous times while her daughter never had.

Many bullies and narcissists are addicted to hate, righteous anger and rage.

Anger is their drug of choice and, for them, has many advantages over getting hooked on harder drugs.

• Righteous anger produces adrenaline, euphoria and feelings of power. Kayla’s daughter loved the feelings. She could act out in any way she wanted and blame her behavior on Kayla.

• Righteous anger is free. Kayla’s daughter didn’t have to part with money and she didn’t care about any bad consequences. In her mind, the consequences were mild compared to the feeling of power.

• The fix of righteous anger can be delivered any time. In medicine it’s called PRN; any time Kayla’s daughter wanted, she could push the button and get her dose.

• Righteous anger is more socially acceptable than many other drugs. Most people did think of Kayla as the problem. They suggested ways Kayla could change her behavior so her daughter wouldn’t be so angry at her. Everyone was afraid to face her daughter; they might offend her and be battered by the consequences.

Is there scientific proof this idea is true?

No. And there’s no evidence that rage addiction produces as many addictive bio-chemicals as hard drugs.

• But proof didn’t matter to Kayla. What was more important was that it helped Kayla:

• Make sense of her past interactions with her daughter.

• Predict with amazing accuracy what would happen when she interacted with her daughter.

Trying to reason with her daughter was as effective as telling an addict to stop using her drug of choice.

Her daughter could be as critical, negative, controlling and abusive as she wanted but that didn’t matter to her. She’d always find a reason to dislike something Kayla did and make that reason the start of Kayla’s provoking her. Even if what Kayla was accused of was non-existent or trivial to everyone else, she’d be damned if she did something; damned if she didn’t. Whenever her daughter wanted a fix, she’d blow up. Kayla was always guilty; she was doomed.

Kayla’s relieved herself of guilt and started planning ahead.

Since she knew a blow up was inevitable, she could decide whether being in any situation was worth the effort and the mental and emotional price she’d have to pay. Were the holidays worth the pain, was a trip to the mall with her granddaughter worth the pain, was a heart-to-heart talk with her daughter worth the pain, was taking the high road in public worth the pain or would it only encourage her daughter to do worse?

Since Kayla had decided how to think and feel about her daughter’s addiction, she could decide what to do without guilt, embarrassment or shame.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

BulliesBeGone Hire Ben

http://www.bulliesbegone.com/hire_ben.html

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Bullies, narcissists want you living in fear

Julia had always lived in fear of what her now-adult son would do. And he’d married a woman who despised Julia and wanted him to do the worst Julia could imagine; deprive her of her closest grandchildren.

At first, Julia blamed the wife. She was an abusive, controlling narcissist. And she never let up. She was always offended by whatever Julia did. She condemned Julia if she did something and condemned her if Julia didn’t do what she wanted. Julia could never win.

Bullies, narcissists want you living in fear.

Then, Julia remembered her son had always been that way. When he was a child, if he didn’t get his way, he throw fits in public. She never knew what he’d do and she lived in fear that the neighbors or anyone who heard him would think she was a horrible mother. He lied about her with a smiling face. He seemed to enjoy bullying and tormenting her. Since making her submit was a game he could win, he never gave up. The older he got, the worse he got.

Her other adult children were kind and caring but this son had gotten worse as he grew older. She was afraid to disagree with him because of his overt and sneaky retaliation. He said she was always wrong and guilty for offending him; she always deserved punishment. She realized he’d gotten worse as he became older, not for any psychological reasons, but simply because he became more independent and powerful. There was nothing she could do. He’d convinced her resistance was futile.

Your rules can’t contain or limit bullies, narcissists in any way.

Julia realized his wrath and retaliation knew no bounds or limits. He had no code of ethics or morals toward her. He’d lie, manipulate and turn everyone against her without a conscience. Her reasoning, kindness and compromise toward him did not get her the same in return. He saw that as weakness and an opportunity to make her suffer even more. He was like a poison, killer virus in her life.

He reminded Julia of her father. She’d always been afraid. If she’d resisted, he’d have destroyed her physically, emotionally and psychologically. Of course, when she was a child she was helpless. All she could do was worry and obsess on what he’d do next, whenever he felt like it.

Julia decided to fight back, no matter the cost.

In the middle of her worst depression, something snapped inside of her. She found her courage. Even though that son seemed to have all the power, she determined to fight him to the death. Better to lose fighting than to give up and accept slavery. She knew that would probably mean driving a wedge between her other children and that son, and not seeing those beloved grandchildren until they were adults. But they were already being poisoned against her.

She told that son she was not accepting any guilt for his or his wife’s anger. They were raging, bullying narcissists. It was not her fault that his wife was offended by Julia. It was the wife’s fault for blowing up over nothing and seeking retaliation, not reconciliation. For the rest of her life, she was going to have a wonderful time with the family who loved her. If he had problems with that, tough for him.

She started a very public estranged/alienated grandparents group, she posted on social media all the fun trips she took and the interesting people she met, and she arranged many events with the other children and grandchildren. He retaliated as she expected.

She still had two bits of leverage. She rallied the people in her family who disliked what he was doing. They cut him off. She removed him from her will and trusts, and told him they were getting nothing. At first she felt horrible and guilty. But when he came crawling because she had some leverage, she felt powerful. She told him he’d have to earn his way back into her good graces slowly, over time. While he did this, she knew he hadn’t really changed. As his career progressed and he got richer, she’d lose power over him and he’d revert.

But she’d always have power over herself. That was the best feeling. For the first time, she felt authentic.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Stop psychoanalyzing bullies, narcissists

Ilene wasn’t sure her husband and one of her adult daughters were bullies or narcissists. And she couldn’t understand why either would act the way they did when she loved them so much and had done so much for both of them.

Her husband was critical, negative, sarcastic and demanding. He said he was head of the household and she had to do what he said and give him what he wanted, even if he’d changed his mind just a second before. And sex was a brutal, horror show. He didn’t seem to agree that a true marriage meant taking care of each other including making her happy. But he wasn’t all bad; two years ago he had gotten her a vacuum cleaner for her birthday, and once he almost said he was wrong. If only she could be sure.

Ilene’s daughter was full of rage. She loudly blamed Ilene for her lousy marriage, said hateful things in public and insisted Ilene go to work so she could give her more money. Ilene felt so guilty. Often her daughter was overt but sometimes Ilene thought she was covert, sneaky and manipulative. What had she done so wrong that her daughter treated her like that? And maybe her daughter was right; maybe Ilene was too sensitive and not caring, loving and forgiving enough?

Don’t waste time trying to decide if someone is a bully or narcissist – and what kind of narcissist.

All the time Ilene spent trying to decide if they were actually bullies and narcissists, she’d endured their abusive treatment of her. She hated the way they acted; she’d never let anyone else treat her that way. But she didn’t think she could do anything unless she was sure they were bullying, narcissists.

Stop trying to psychoanalyze bullies, narcissists.

Ilene obsessed on figuring out what had happened to her husband when he was growing up that made him the way he was. She was certain his control and rage were her fault. She worried how she could avoid triggering his anger. If she only knew how to pump up his self-esteem better, he’d start loving her. She obsessed on her daughter also. If only she knew how to feed her daughter’s emotional needs, to make her happy, she was sure her daughter would relax and love her in return.

All the time Ilene wasted analyzing them, talking with friends to help analyze them, reading articles and watching videos about bullies and narcissists, she’d endured their treatment. However, she was certain that when she’d analyzed them deeply enough, a solution would appear in her mind. She’d know exactly what to do to win them over. They’d start treating her the way loving people should.

What Ilene needed to do was to stop trying to understand them and, instead, stop them.

Simply ask yourself, “Do I want to accept their behavior?”

Obsessing on their problems, trying to figure them out, getting a definitive diagnosis, deciding who was wrong, finding psychological excuses for them and wondering if she had the right to demand what she wanted, had kept her stuck for decades. Her husband and her daughter had horrible examples growing up but they’d also had wonderful examples. In the end, they’d always chosen how they wanted to act. They’d chosen to act like the horrible examples.

Ilene had gone around in endless circles of pain and anger, followed by self-doubt, guilt and low self-esteem, followed by more pain and anger. She hated the way she thought and felt. Her husband and daughter would never see a counselor; they thought they were right and fine.

In her heart of hearts, Ilene knew she was done with being their scapegoat and whipping girl. She hated them and herself for putting up with the abuse. She decided not to convince them she was normal and right. She decided not to rescue, save or rehabilitate them. Simply, she wouldn’t accept their treatment any longer.

And she didn’t.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Don’t pretend bullies, narcissists are okay

Helen was distraught. Her adult daughter was negative, critical and demanding as usual. At a family Christmas party, she yelled that Helen had ruined her life and she’d never let Helen see her granddaughter. She loved her father, Helen’s ex, who was at the party with his new, young girlfriend. He always agreed with the daughter and gave her everything she wanted. He slyly encouraged the daughter to blame Helen, whenever she was upset at anything. The daughter hated Helen for divorcing her sweet, loving father.

Helen told me she hadn’t told her daughter about her father’s alcoholism, abuse, beating her and then going after their daughter. That’s when Helen had called the police, who removed her husband before he got to the child. That’s when Helen divorced him. He’d been gone from their lives until Helen’s daughter was 25.

Now, he preened as the center of attention, enjoying his daughter’s love while making sarcastic, demeaning comments to Helen whenever their daughter wasn’t present. He told Helen he’d make sure their daughter hated and discarded her. In public, he pretended to be Helen’s friend; a nice guy and an innocent victim of divorce, full of good advice.

Don’t collude with bullies, narcissists by keeping silent.

Helen had never told her daughter the truth about her father because she didn’t want to interfere with a relationship between a daughter and her father. Helen’s plan had worked.

Her daughter now had a wonderful relationship with a man who’d been her bullying, narcissistic father and hadn’t changed. Her daughter had repressed her memories of what he’d done. Instead, she hated Helen, who’d worked two jobs and paid for her education. Her daughter had been lured by her father’s gifts and swallowed his stories about how Helen had been unfair to him. Now her daughter thought he was wonderful and Helen was the bad person.

What can Helen do now?

Helen wished she’d told her daughter the truth all those years she was growing up. Her job had been to interfere in order to protect a young girl from lies and manipulation by her biological father. She was guilty of stepping aside and allowing her daughter to have a relationship with an abusive narcissist. And she hated having to be polite to him now, pretending that nothing horrible had happened.

But if she made a scene now, she was sure her daughter would hate her for driving a wedge between her and her father. And probably her daughter wouldn’t believe her.

Helen finally decided to speak up; to shine a light.

She decided to make a scene at her daughter’s birthday party, to which her ex had been invited. She began by apologizing to her daughter for never telling her the truth; for allowing her to be in harm’s way with a man who’d been so rotten to her and still wanted to manipulate his daughter. Helen’s ex denied everything. Helen’s daughter was angry at Helen for ruining her party. And she wouldn’t believe any of the cruel and hateful things Helen had said.

That’s when Helen produced the police report and evidence from his trial. She stayed to rebut every new lie her ex tried to tell. She said she’d never again be in the same place with him. Forcing herself to be polite while he pretended to be nice was too offensive to her Soul.

Helen’s daughter now faced a test.

She could cling to her father because he always agreed with her and had dangled the promise of a big inheritance if she adored him. Or she could swallow her pride and apologize for throwing Helen away when she thought Helen would be no use anymore. Her daughter chose wisely.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Become a drama/chaos-free zone

Many bullies and narcissists take control of people and situations by creating drama and chaos. Everyone has problems in life; stuff breaks; health goes south; hopes, dreams and expectations get shattered. But that doesn’t require fear and panic, drama and chaos.

Gina had noticed a pattern. Both her mother and one adult daughter loved drama and chaos. Every time life seemed to be going along smoothly, something would happen and they’d get hysterical. Everything was an emergency; it was the end of the world. By the time everyone in the family, especially Gina, had gotten involved, Gina realized she’d spent every minute doing what they wanted. Nothing had been solved but she’d spent a lot of money and it was her fault that things were even worse. All her plans had been ruined; she could never relax and enjoy herself.

What seemed like a simple problem had become a whirlpool or black hole, and everyone had been sucked in to make her mother or that daughter happy.

But how could Gina not help? Gina realized she was being sucked into the hysteria and required to help the way they wanted, which meant using all her time and energy to throw gasoline on the fire.

During these near-continuous episodes, they’d become the center of attention. Everyone’s feelings, thoughts and energies were devoted to making them feel better. And afterward, Gina was exhausted.

But how could she say, “”No” and mean it. And not feel guilty about it.

Gina declared herself a drama/chaos-free zone.

She made that more palatable by saying her doctor required her to have no drama or chaos for six months. Of course, that didn’t stop her mother or that daughter. They’d never cared what Gina thought or wanted. They demanded she help them the way they wanted.

Gina used the scripts she’d prepared.

“That’s a real problem. Sorry, I can’t help this time. When you’ve solved it, we can get together for coffee. Doctor’s orders.” And she hung up.

She had to restrain herself from immediately calling back and suggesting solutions and then doing what they wanted. She had to restrain her fear and guilt that her mother would die of neglect. She didn’t. She had to live with her fear that something horrible would happen to that daughter or her daughter would be even nastier and keep the grandchildren from her. But her daughter needed her and wouldn’t kill the cow she thought might give milk later.

Gina had to resist their bullying and manipulation.

Her mother and her daughter attacked her. They called her names; they threatened her. Then they tried getting the rest of the family involved to force her into returning to her old behavior. Gina kept smiling and saying, “No,” sweetly. She never explained why she was so mean and selfish.

Gina had to resist her inner bully.

“You’re being cold and uncaring. Our main job is to be forgiving and available to help others. You won’t be loved by God. You’re guilty of a grave sin.” Gina also had scripts to argue with that voice. Then she focused her whole energy and attention on other activities she’d planned. After a while her guilt subsided.

Of course they kept trying but the doctor-required, drama/chaos-free zone kept getting extended.

After a long time, when Gina seemed to feel no guilt and was steady on her course, she noticed her mother and that daughter had found other people to fill their needs. She’d hoped they’d change their bullying and narcissism but the chose the easy path.

And Gina got the result she wanted: a drama/chaos-free life.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Save bullies, narcissists from a distance

Fern and Francine had the same problem but with different people. They thought they had to think of other people first, and that love and caring meant rescuing those people.

Fern’s husband was a bullying narcissist. He was always demanding, angry, and right. He constantly mocked and criticized her, controlled all their money, demanded she do all the work around the house even though she made as much money as he did, and bought whatever he wanted but told her that her wanting a birthday present showed her greed and vanity. Then there was his drinking, the pornographic web sites and the nights he stayed out until morning. He hated when she tried to interfere with his life. But maybe once a year he said something nice to her and she forgave everything.

Francine’s adult son was entitled, demanding and blamed all his problems on her. He claimed she’d never given him everything he needed when he was growing up and never did enough now to help him out of situations he’d gotten himself into against her advice. When she wouldn’t put up with his bullying and abuse, he wouldn’t let her see her beloved grandchildren. He seemed to enjoy torturing her by making appointments to bring the children and simply never showing up. She deserved pain; the guilt was hers.

Fern and Francine’s primary rule was that if someone was hurting or needed anything, or if they could see any potential in someone, they had to do the loving, comforting and kind thing by giving that person what they wanted.

They knew how hard it had been for them to overcome having been raised by crazy, bullying, narcissistic parents, and they hoped that if they were nice enough, Fern’s husband and Francine’s son would someday understand their pain and start being nice to them.

Fern and Francine decided to stop meddling in people’s lives.

They realized rescuing, caretaking and enabling had been taught to them by people who’d used and abused them all their lives. Now they were sacrificing their own bodies by meddling in someone else’s personal growth and development. They were choosing to be martyrs in order to save people they loved. They thought the reward for martyrdom would be success and love. They weren’t happy and singing hymns while being led into the coliseum to face the lions.

They decided they didn’t need to go on those roller coaster rides any more.

The battering on the rides hurt too much. They didn’t need to be bled dry or beaten as a scapegoat for someone else’s inner torment or sadistic pleasure. The only thing they could really do was get out of the line of fire and pray for those people. And they could lead wonderful, joyous lives while doing that.

They could love at a distance. Close up hurt too much.

It was especially hard on Francine because she was resisting the urge to meddle in her own son’s life but they both got themselves out of the clutches of their tormentors.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.