Toxic, bullying, narcissistic bio-family: Who’s your True Family?

Raina (fictitious name) always felt like she didn’t belong in her toxic family. She was scapegoated and used as Cinderella by her parents and her brother. He was the Golden Child; she was the servant. She didn’t know what she’d done wrong but she knew it was her fault. She vowed to be a better person, to please them so they’d finally listen to her and treat her lovingly and kindly. But, no matter how hard she tried, she was never able to please them, never able to be worthy enough. But they were her family and she vowed to keep trying.

She married to a man who was bullying, abusive and narcissistic. When the abuse got physical, she finally dared to divorce him. Her daughter was three years-old. Her ex left and started a new family, never looking back at this daughter. Raina worked hard and was successful enough to shower her daughter with everything.

By the time the girl was a teenager, she controlled Raina completely. No matter how Raina tried, she could never please her. Later, Raina’s daughter married and had children. Whenever her daughter needed babysitting, Raina was allowed to pay to see her grandchildren but she was never allowed visits on the holidays or when she wanted.

In addition, her daughter bonded with her biological father and they spread malicious, hateful lies about Raina throughout her biological family. Of course, her biological family believed the stories and plied on with more criticism and abuse of Raina.

Raina’s biological family was not Raina’s True Family.

Even as an adult, successful as she was in supporting herself all through her life, she was still an outcast in her bio-family. She was the ugly ducking – the swan raised by ducks who would peck her to death. She was encompassed by dogs, she was food for vultures.

But they were her bio-family. She’d thought she must respect and honor them no matter what. Who else would take care of her when she needed? Without them she’d be alone and lonely.

After being verbally abused and shunned one Christmas, Riana sobbed herself to sleep again. But this time, when she awoke she’d had the special dream we’d talked about. She felt totally free for the first time in her life. It was simple and clear: they were not her True Family.

All the rules she’d been fed were wrong. She’d always felt the most alone when she was surrounded by them. She was different. They’d never take care of her. She’d been trying to live the life they wanted for her but that wasn’t the life she wanted. She gave up trying to be listened to, understood, cared for by people who simply weren’t going to value her as an individual human being. She was valuable to them only when they could use her or gang up on her.

Who are Raina’s True Family?

I’ve worked with people across the globe, from all cultures, in the same situation as Raina and they had the same realization: their bio-family is not the family of their heart, mind or Spirit. They have been servants, scapegoats, outcasts in their bio-family.

Raina remembered other people in her life with whom she’d had heart-to-heart connections. They hadn’t taken her money, hadn’t blamed her for their problems, hadn’t used her like Cinderella. Those relationships had been full of reciprocal caring; they’d been interesting, exciting and fulfilling. But her family and her daughter had driven those people away.

Raina realized she’d never felt alone when she was with those people. And they had wanted to stick by her as she had tried to stick by them.

Raina’s True Family is the family of her heart, mind and Spirit.

Even more than a strong community of caring, these people were “family.” Raina was scared contemplating a future without her bio-family. But she was strengthened when she thought of living without the toxic, bullying, abuse and narcissism.

Even though it might be hard to find people like that again, she must turn away from people who wanted to enslave her and turn toward people who’d befriend her. Her Spirit demanded that turn, demanded a chance to make a life filled with warmth and peace. She felt her guilt evaporate. She gave herself the power to make the life she’d always wanted.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.

Bullies, narcissists want you enabling them

Zina said she was born to enable; it was in her blood, reinforced by her childhood training of how to be a good, loving mom. Her 40 year-old son abused her need to rescue him and insisted she continue. He said he’d fail in life if she didn’t help him. She owed it to him because she hadn’t made him happy enough when he was growing up.

Bullies, narcissists want to be at the center of “a Great Circle of Enabling.”

Zina insisted her son was nice to her when he was growing up, even through high school and college, except when he was throwing temper tantrums at her for not rescuing him or making his life easy. To her, he was critical and demeaning; selfish and narcissistic; bullying and abusive.

Even though he was bright, she had to smooth things over when he was flunking courses because some teachers wouldn’t allow him to do nothing or be obnoxious in class, or some coaches wouldn’t play him because he hadn’t come for practices. She’d always manufactured excuses to get him more chances.

When he got in trouble with the police, she begged, pleaded and hired expensive lawyers. According to him, her job in life was to make sure he never suffered.

When he didn’t have good enough grades or Standard Test scores to get into the colleges he wanted, she did everything necessary to get him into colleges acceptable to him. Later, she begged or coerced administrators and professors to forgive his behavior in the dorms or class.

She knew he was spoiled but what could she do? She didn’t want any options closed to him. She was sure someday he’d grow up and be the wonderful son she’d hoped for.

When Zina didn’t protect, coddle or cater to him, he’d attack her.

If he didn’t get what he wanted or get away with what he’d done, she’d failed him. His problems were her fault. He’d throw temper tantrums, destroy furniture, call her a rotten mother and give her the loud, silent treatment until she gave in. He’d even pushed her and slapped her. But that was only twice so she thought it wasn’t too bad. He was just sensitive and high strung.

He threatened her; if she didn’t give him everything, he’d fail and kill himself.

Zina carried tremendous fear, responsibility and guilt. She kept encouraging and giving, hoping the one percent wonderful infant would take over his life, instead of the ninety nine percent lazy, manipulative and entitled adult.

To release her enabling, rescuing patterns, Zina changed her old beliefs, rules, roles and habits.

Eventually she saw he’d chosen a path that manipulated her and was bad for him. Enabling ensured that he’d stay narcissistic and fail; she’d been hurting him. He’d flushed all her time, energy, money and love down the toilet. He was addicted to his laziness and the rush he got from being angry at her. He was addicted to getting what he wanted, the way he wanted, and squeezing it out of her, and whining for more. That was easier than working for it.

The only chance he has for a miracle is to fail and suffer. Then, instead of continuing to blame her, he might choose to do the hard work of struggling and succeeding in the world. Or not.

Of course, Zina struggled with the possibility he’d really die homeless or commit suicide. But she persevered and didn’t allow her sympathy and guilt to deflect her from what she knew was his only chance. She kept encouraging him to find the strength she knew was buried deep inside him.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Against bullies and narcissists, bitterness and anger can help

Ruth was upset; she wanted to get rid of the bitterness and anger she felt against one of her own adult children.

That child was ripping Ruth’s family apart. Since she’d been a teenager, she’d thrown tantrums, blamed her unhappiness on Ruth and tried to turn the other children against Ruth. She demanded all of Ruth’s time, energy and money; she tried to control every situation and manipulate everyone to her hidden agendas; she claimed she was never loved enough; she was negative and critical of everything, nothing would satisfy her. She was bullying and abusive. She expected Ruth to feel guilty, apologize and grovel at her feet.

I’ve seen the same pattern in other situations: people often feel bitterness and anger toward toxic parents and siblings, and also toward controlling, manipulative ex’s who continue to torment them.

Ruth thought bitterness and anger were bad characteristics.

She thought she wasn’t a good person since she obsessed on all the wrongs her daughter had done and the harm she’d caused. She wished she could simply let go and love her daughter unconditionally as she had when the girl had been an infant.

Bitterness and anger provide motivation.

Ruth realized her bitterness and anger served an important function. She needed those feelings to motivate herself to protect herself against a predator who wanted to destroy her and her family.

She needed to be on guard every moment in order to stay safe from a crazy, vicious narcissist who happened to be in her family. She needed tremendous energy and focus to protect herself from hidden agendas, attacks and manipulation. But the mental, emotional and physical cost was high for Ruth.

There is no good, joint resolution with narcissists and relentless bullies.

Ruth’s unconscious knew her daughter would take advantage if she ever relaxed her guard. Her daughter might look sincere, might make “binding” agreements but she’d shown she was simply a great actress. Only her daughter’s good behavior over time, without reward, would show her daughter actually had a change of heart.

With narcissists and relentless bullies there is no joint understanding and forgiveness so you can immediately move ahead with love and good behavior.

Don’t be fooled by “sincere” apologies.

Many of Ruth’s friends told her to let go of her bitterness and anger. They advised her to be more forgiving. If she let go of her fear, her daughter would also let go of whatever she was afraid of. They said that the only person Ruth could change was herself, and when she changed, her daughter would automatically change in response.

What bullies and narcissists mean by “forgiveness” and “reconciliation.”

When they say they want to put the past behind and move ahead with a clean slate, they mean they want to continue getting away with abusing you; they want you to instantly open up again to further abuse because you’re so easily fooled. If you’re willing to give them instant gratification, they don’t have to change their ways at all.

When will Ruth let go of her bitterness and anger?

She’ll let go of the bitterness and anger when she knows she’s protected, when she has no fear because she knows she’s safe; naturally, automatically and easily.

Finally, Ruth can see what she has to focus on: staying true to what she knows, not letting fleeting feelings of remorse and guilt sweep her into letting a hungry wolf in her home. She must fence her daughter safely away from the rest of the family. She must keep the fence electrified until she’s sure, because of her daughter’s amends, reparation, and good behavior over time without instant reward, that a miracle has occurred in her daughter’s heart.

Simple, clear. Not easy. Until Ruth changes her motivation strategy or until Ruth knows she’s safe, she needs bitterness and anger.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Bullies, narcissists: The cult of users

Nancy thought if she broke away from her extended family – parents, husband, two of her four adult children – she’d be alone and lonely the rest of her life. Most of her family bullied, abused and used her. Since that was family, she thought she’d never find people nicer and kinder. She was also sure she didn’t know how to have good relationships.

Nancy grew up lived in a cult of users.

Why do I call her extended family a “cult?” Two reasons:

1. They have the symptoms of cults. For example; other people knew what was right and true, what she should and must do, staying with them was her only way to salvation, she couldn’t trust herself, she must serve them, they need her to help them, if she tried to leave they’d destroy her, they said she was too helpless and incompetent to succeed in the outside world, everyone outside was wrong, bad and dangerous, etc.

2. I didn’t want her to look for psychological reasons to excuse their behavior and to minimize her pain. I wanted the word “cult” to make her so angry and strong, brave and determined, she’d resist their lies and break free.

Nancy had been groomed to serve.

The only roles that won her relief from negativity and criticism, verbal abuse and physical beatings were servant or slave, enabler or competent fixer. She was bullied and guilt-tripped to stop being selfish; stop putting her wants and needs before the feelings of others.

Even when she was an adult, they never showed real kindness or consideration of her wants. The most happiness she felt were moments of relief from pain and torment. Sometimes, she was promised something she wanted but it was always jerked away at the last moment. She was not allowed to enjoy a few moments of peace and quiet by herself, or to visit someone she might have enjoyed.

Nancy was condemned if she did something, condemned if she didn’t.

Whatever she did was either wrong or never good enough. Sometimes, the criticism was openly abusive or sarcastic, while other times it was subtle so she couldn’t object and defend herself. Even if she did what was demanded, they’d say she misunderstood and did it the wrong way. Or they’d deny they ever said it and witness for each other that she was wrong.

She was shocked to realize they didn’t care; she was merely prey.

She was trained to beat herself, “What did I do wrong? Nobody who cared would act the way they did unless I’d provoked them terribly.” Of course her self-doubt increased while her self-confidence and self-esteem plummeted.

Nancy had failed to change them using every method she could find about how to communicate better and to be a better, more caring, understanding and forgiving person. She’d tried to please them all her life; she’d done nothing wrong; their behavior was not her fault.

Every situation, all the patterns were explained simply; they didn’t care about her. They were selfish narcissists; she counted no more than a servant and whipping post. She’d been raised in a cult of users and abusers.

She was horrified at the realization and started testing them. Each time, they proved her new insight was accurate.

Despite the difficulty, Nancy broke free; step by step.

At first, she was immobilized by her fears and isolation. But she was helped by writing a short story of her life as a struggle to escape from bondage in order to be free. They’d tortured her and keep her in solitary confinement so she wouldn’t feel equipped to deal with the outside world.

Now her Spirit and anger rose up and kept her on track. She’d get free or die trying. First she stopped accepting her role in the cult, no matter how they threatened or tried to manipulate her back into slavery. Then she made distance between her and followers of the cult.

Each small step she took helped her take more steps. Each step backward meant she’d try harder next time. Simple and clear, even if not easy.

She was surprised when she attracted new people who wanted to enjoy her company in a reciprocal way.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Bullies, narcissists are not like you

Leigh kept shaking her head and saying she couldn’t understand why her oldest daughter would say she’d never see her grandchildren if Leigh didn’t cut her other children out of her will. After 35 years of enduring rages, blame, silent treatment, bullying, abuse and even physical attacks, Leigh still wailed that it made no sense.

Leigh said, “I showed her how loving people treat each other. Everyone wants to be nice to their family, don’t they? Everyone wants to work things out, don’t they? We’re all the same underneath, aren’t we? Everyone wants peace, tranquility and love, don’t they? Everyone wants to follow the Golden Rule and get into heaven, don’t they? It makes no sense.” Leigh was blindsided every time her daughter manipulated, guilt-tripped or attacked her.

Leigh had clung to her childhood beliefs and ignored the evidence.

She could talk about how she frozen with terror at her parents drunken, crazy anger, but she was sure they loved her and wanted the best for her. She could talk about how critical, negative, mean and vindictive her narcissistic ex-husband had been; how she’d thrown her body between him and the kids in order to protect them, but she was sure it was important that the children loved their father and knew he loved them. So she never said a word of truth against him. She could talk about the thousand things her oldest daughter had done, but she knew her daughter wanted the best for Leigh and her other siblings.

She’d believed in infinite goodness at the core of everyone and in the idea we’ll all eventually come around to loving each other. When she was growing up, that hope kept her struggling for a better life; the hope sustained her.

But now her oldest daughter was forcing her to choose between the other children she enjoyed and who enjoyed her, and the one child who was full of entitlement, greed, jealousy and hate.

Leigh broke through: as an adult, she took into her heart and soul the reality that there are people totally different from the way she was.

She’d never understand why people would choose evil as a way of life, but now she allowed herself to recognize selfish people motivated by money, power and the pleasure of inflicting pain. Now, she could predict what her daughter would do based on her past performance. Now, Leigh could use her energy to protect herself, her happiness and her other children instead of wasting her time and energy trying to understand a daughter who was different from the way she was. People, including her children, had totally different desires, values and character; they had totally different rules of behavior even though she’d raised them all. That was the way the world was.

Now, Leigh could plan how to respond to what was likely to happen.

Just like she’d finally given up trying to rehabilitate her ex-husband, she gave up trying to educate and convert her daughter by forgiving, minimizing and catering to her. Bur she wouldn’t give up on herself and the future she wanted. She decided to use her life to love the children and grandchildren whose love felt wonderful in return. She also decided to matter to non-family members who wanted and appreciated her caring. Whenever she had second thoughts, she remembered her decision not to cast her pearls before swine, and she was comforted and strengthened.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Bullies, narcissists addicted to anger

Kayla couldn’t make sense of one of her adult daughter’s anger. Her daughter would fly into a rage over the smallest things; she’d make a suspicion or misunderstanding into a battle for life and death. According to her, everything was Kayla’s fault. Her negativity, hate, criticism, and bullying could be felt from miles away. She’d always been that way but had gotten worse as she’d gotten more independent.

Kayla had tried to be a great parent; she’d given her daughter everything she could and had accepted all the blame for her daughter’s hurt or angry feelings. She’d apologized numerous times while her daughter never had.

Many bullies and narcissists are addicted to hate, righteous anger and rage.

Anger is their drug of choice and, for them, has many advantages over getting hooked on harder drugs.

• Righteous anger produces adrenaline, euphoria and feelings of power. Kayla’s daughter loved the feelings. She could act out in any way she wanted and blame her behavior on Kayla.

• Righteous anger is free. Kayla’s daughter didn’t have to part with money and she didn’t care about any bad consequences. In her mind, the consequences were mild compared to the feeling of power.

• The fix of righteous anger can be delivered any time. In medicine it’s called PRN; any time Kayla’s daughter wanted, she could push the button and get her dose.

• Righteous anger is more socially acceptable than many other drugs. Most people did think of Kayla as the problem. They suggested ways Kayla could change her behavior so her daughter wouldn’t be so angry at her. Everyone was afraid to face her daughter; they might offend her and be battered by the consequences.

Is there scientific proof this idea is true?

No. And there’s no evidence that rage addiction produces as many addictive bio-chemicals as hard drugs.

• But proof didn’t matter to Kayla. What was more important was that it helped Kayla:

• Make sense of her past interactions with her daughter.

• Predict with amazing accuracy what would happen when she interacted with her daughter.

Trying to reason with her daughter was as effective as telling an addict to stop using her drug of choice.

Her daughter could be as critical, negative, controlling and abusive as she wanted but that didn’t matter to her. She’d always find a reason to dislike something Kayla did and make that reason the start of Kayla’s provoking her. Even if what Kayla was accused of was non-existent or trivial to everyone else, she’d be damned if she did something; damned if she didn’t. Whenever her daughter wanted a fix, she’d blow up. Kayla was always guilty; she was doomed.

Kayla’s relieved herself of guilt and started planning ahead.

Since she knew a blow up was inevitable, she could decide whether being in any situation was worth the effort and the mental and emotional price she’d have to pay. Were the holidays worth the pain, was a trip to the mall with her granddaughter worth the pain, was a heart-to-heart talk with her daughter worth the pain, was taking the high road in public worth the pain or would it only encourage her daughter to do worse?

Since Kayla had decided how to think and feel about her daughter’s addiction, she could decide what to do without guilt, embarrassment or shame.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

BulliesBeGone Hire Ben

http://www.bulliesbegone.com/hire_ben.html

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Don’t pretend bullies, narcissists are okay

Helen was distraught. Her adult daughter was negative, critical and demanding as usual. At a family Christmas party, she yelled that Helen had ruined her life and she’d never let Helen see her granddaughter. She loved her father, Helen’s ex, who was at the party with his new, young girlfriend. He always agreed with the daughter and gave her everything she wanted. He slyly encouraged the daughter to blame Helen, whenever she was upset at anything. The daughter hated Helen for divorcing her sweet, loving father.

Helen told me she hadn’t told her daughter about her father’s alcoholism, abuse, beating her and then going after their daughter. That’s when Helen had called the police, who removed her husband before he got to the child. That’s when Helen divorced him. He’d been gone from their lives until Helen’s daughter was 25.

Now, he preened as the center of attention, enjoying his daughter’s love while making sarcastic, demeaning comments to Helen whenever their daughter wasn’t present. He told Helen he’d make sure their daughter hated and discarded her. In public, he pretended to be Helen’s friend; a nice guy and an innocent victim of divorce, full of good advice.

Don’t collude with bullies, narcissists by keeping silent.

Helen had never told her daughter the truth about her father because she didn’t want to interfere with a relationship between a daughter and her father. Helen’s plan had worked.

Her daughter now had a wonderful relationship with a man who’d been her bullying, narcissistic father and hadn’t changed. Her daughter had repressed her memories of what he’d done. Instead, she hated Helen, who’d worked two jobs and paid for her education. Her daughter had been lured by her father’s gifts and swallowed his stories about how Helen had been unfair to him. Now her daughter thought he was wonderful and Helen was the bad person.

What can Helen do now?

Helen wished she’d told her daughter the truth all those years she was growing up. Her job had been to interfere in order to protect a young girl from lies and manipulation by her biological father. She was guilty of stepping aside and allowing her daughter to have a relationship with an abusive narcissist. And she hated having to be polite to him now, pretending that nothing horrible had happened.

But if she made a scene now, she was sure her daughter would hate her for driving a wedge between her and her father. And probably her daughter wouldn’t believe her.

Helen finally decided to speak up; to shine a light.

She decided to make a scene at her daughter’s birthday party, to which her ex had been invited. She began by apologizing to her daughter for never telling her the truth; for allowing her to be in harm’s way with a man who’d been so rotten to her and still wanted to manipulate his daughter. Helen’s ex denied everything. Helen’s daughter was angry at Helen for ruining her party. And she wouldn’t believe any of the cruel and hateful things Helen had said.

That’s when Helen produced the police report and evidence from his trial. She stayed to rebut every new lie her ex tried to tell. She said she’d never again be in the same place with him. Forcing herself to be polite while he pretended to be nice was too offensive to her Soul.

Helen’s daughter now faced a test.

She could cling to her father because he always agreed with her and had dangled the promise of a big inheritance if she adored him. Or she could swallow her pride and apologize for throwing Helen away when she thought Helen would be no use anymore. Her daughter chose wisely.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Become a drama/chaos-free zone

Many bullies and narcissists take control of people and situations by creating drama and chaos. Everyone has problems in life; stuff breaks; health goes south; hopes, dreams and expectations get shattered. But that doesn’t require fear and panic, drama and chaos.

Gina had noticed a pattern. Both her mother and one adult daughter loved drama and chaos. Every time life seemed to be going along smoothly, something would happen and they’d get hysterical. Everything was an emergency; it was the end of the world. By the time everyone in the family, especially Gina, had gotten involved, Gina realized she’d spent every minute doing what they wanted. Nothing had been solved but she’d spent a lot of money and it was her fault that things were even worse. All her plans had been ruined; she could never relax and enjoy herself.

What seemed like a simple problem had become a whirlpool or black hole, and everyone had been sucked in to make her mother or that daughter happy.

But how could Gina not help? Gina realized she was being sucked into the hysteria and required to help the way they wanted, which meant using all her time and energy to throw gasoline on the fire.

During these near-continuous episodes, they’d become the center of attention. Everyone’s feelings, thoughts and energies were devoted to making them feel better. And afterward, Gina was exhausted.

But how could she say, “”No” and mean it. And not feel guilty about it.

Gina declared herself a drama/chaos-free zone.

She made that more palatable by saying her doctor required her to have no drama or chaos for six months. Of course, that didn’t stop her mother or that daughter. They’d never cared what Gina thought or wanted. They demanded she help them the way they wanted.

Gina used the scripts she’d prepared.

“That’s a real problem. Sorry, I can’t help this time. When you’ve solved it, we can get together for coffee. Doctor’s orders.” And she hung up.

She had to restrain herself from immediately calling back and suggesting solutions and then doing what they wanted. She had to restrain her fear and guilt that her mother would die of neglect. She didn’t. She had to live with her fear that something horrible would happen to that daughter or her daughter would be even nastier and keep the grandchildren from her. But her daughter needed her and wouldn’t kill the cow she thought might give milk later.

Gina had to resist their bullying and manipulation.

Her mother and her daughter attacked her. They called her names; they threatened her. Then they tried getting the rest of the family involved to force her into returning to her old behavior. Gina kept smiling and saying, “No,” sweetly. She never explained why she was so mean and selfish.

Gina had to resist her inner bully.

“You’re being cold and uncaring. Our main job is to be forgiving and available to help others. You won’t be loved by God. You’re guilty of a grave sin.” Gina also had scripts to argue with that voice. Then she focused her whole energy and attention on other activities she’d planned. After a while her guilt subsided.

Of course they kept trying but the doctor-required, drama/chaos-free zone kept getting extended.

After a long time, when Gina seemed to feel no guilt and was steady on her course, she noticed her mother and that daughter had found other people to fill their needs. She’d hoped they’d change their bullying and narcissism but the chose the easy path.

And Gina got the result she wanted: a drama/chaos-free life.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Save bullies, narcissists from a distance

Fern and Francine had the same problem but with different people. They thought they had to think of other people first, and that love and caring meant rescuing those people.

Fern’s husband was a bullying narcissist. He was always demanding, angry, and right. He constantly mocked and criticized her, controlled all their money, demanded she do all the work around the house even though she made as much money as he did, and bought whatever he wanted but told her that her wanting a birthday present showed her greed and vanity. Then there was his drinking, the pornographic web sites and the nights he stayed out until morning. He hated when she tried to interfere with his life. But maybe once a year he said something nice to her and she forgave everything.

Francine’s adult son was entitled, demanding and blamed all his problems on her. He claimed she’d never given him everything he needed when he was growing up and never did enough now to help him out of situations he’d gotten himself into against her advice. When she wouldn’t put up with his bullying and abuse, he wouldn’t let her see her beloved grandchildren. He seemed to enjoy torturing her by making appointments to bring the children and simply never showing up. She deserved pain; the guilt was hers.

Fern and Francine’s primary rule was that if someone was hurting or needed anything, or if they could see any potential in someone, they had to do the loving, comforting and kind thing by giving that person what they wanted.

They knew how hard it had been for them to overcome having been raised by crazy, bullying, narcissistic parents, and they hoped that if they were nice enough, Fern’s husband and Francine’s son would someday understand their pain and start being nice to them.

Fern and Francine decided to stop meddling in people’s lives.

They realized rescuing, caretaking and enabling had been taught to them by people who’d used and abused them all their lives. Now they were sacrificing their own bodies by meddling in someone else’s personal growth and development. They were choosing to be martyrs in order to save people they loved. They thought the reward for martyrdom would be success and love. They weren’t happy and singing hymns while being led into the coliseum to face the lions.

They decided they didn’t need to go on those roller coaster rides any more.

The battering on the rides hurt too much. They didn’t need to be bled dry or beaten as a scapegoat for someone else’s inner torment or sadistic pleasure. The only thing they could really do was get out of the line of fire and pray for those people. And they could lead wonderful, joyous lives while doing that.

They could love at a distance. Close up hurt too much.

It was especially hard on Francine because she was resisting the urge to meddle in her own son’s life but they both got themselves out of the clutches of their tormentors.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

To stop bullies, narcissists requires power

Ruthie panicked every time she thought of being straight, strong and powerful with people who were using and abusing her.  Her mind went blank and she froze.

She knew that was a legacy from her narcissistic, bullying father.  She’d learned early that to stand up to his wrath and vengeance meant death – mentally, emotionally and physically.  She decided the only way to survive was to be sweet, beg him to consider her once in a while and accept any punishment with a smile.  She even had to accept when he’d pimped her out to promote his business and told her to suck it up.

Long after he was dead, she perpetuated her terror and helplessness with her husband and her children.  Of course they preyed upon her like alligators, ripping her to shreds almost all the time but being considerate once a year to keep her hopeful of winning their love and kindness…if only she remained powerless.

Ruthie finally realized bullies and narcissists understand only power.
Of course they hate our power and try to convince us they’ll be more hateful and relentless than we’ll be, and they’ll never change so why fight.  They have many good excuses to justify their criticism, negativity, demands and anger when we disobey.  Also, they try to convince us that if we resist, we should feel guilty; it’s our fault if they’re upset.

Ruthie realized that she was the one who needed to change.
Her change was to give up the goal of finally winning their love and respect, of making them peaceful, and to have a new goal; to use her power to decide what behavior to allow in her personal space.

As much as she loved them, she didn’t like them at all.  She decided she was not going to live the rest of her life in terror, accepting punishment as her due.  She’d rather be alone than be a cowardly slave all her life.  She had to use her power, whether they liked it or not.

She allowed herself to feel her rage at them and used it to fuel her determination.
She started small, then escalated, eventually even in public.  She told her husband she was going out with her friends whether he liked it or not.  When he trashed the house during her absence, she spend his birthday present money to hire cleaners.  When he grabbed her hard, she called the police.

She started refusing her adult children’s demands to watch their kids at the last minute when she had other plans.  When they were mean and demeaning at an extended-family gathering she got up before the meal and told everyone what they were doing.  She called them selfish, arrogant and narcissistic in front of everyone.  And spontaneously, she started singing Elvis Presley’s “Love me Tender.”  It was shocking and hysterical for the ones in her extended family who’d hated the way the others had treated Ruthie.

When they said they’d keep the grandchildren from her, she cried but, through the tears, said it was their decision and she was so sorry they’d be teaching their children what to do to them when they grew up.

Ruthie didn’t end up alone.
Freedom for her came when she accepted she couldn’t change them no matter how she tried.  That goal would keep her enslaved for life.  Ruthie thought she had no power but we found some for her, even though it was the power to leave.  Her task was to use her energy and power to make her life wonderful, surrounded by people who were kind to her and who made her laugh, while she did the same for them.  

The end of the escalating, as they attacked her more outrageously, was when she filed for divorce and also blocked one of her children.  It was the most difficult thing she’d ever done.  But she was not destroyed and the world didn’t end, only one cherished dream.   And her other son and his family enjoyed her company.  And many old and new friends came in to fill the space that had been wasted on alligators.

The only cure for fear is courage and action.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Changing bullies, narcissists’ hearts requires a miracle

Opal finally gave up trying to teach her husband and one of her adult daughters the meaning of polite, caring, loving behavior.  They never got it.  She’d loved them unconditionally, given them everything and tried every method she’d read about.  She tried dragging them to every therapist she could find who promised to change the attitudes and behavior of bullies and narcissists.

But her husband and daughter resisted every attempt; they never changed.  They were convinced they were right and demanded whatever they wanted.  They changed their demands at a moment’s notice and told her she was forgetful, stupid and lying.  If she didn’t jump immediately she was a failure as a wife and mother.  She should feel guilty forever.  They even seemed to enjoy tormenting and abusing her.  They were uncaring and unloving.  She was their servant and wasn’t allowed to have any wants or needs of her own.  She simply didn’t matter as a person.

“Have I done enough?  Have I done everything?” are the wrong questions; they’re guaranteed to keep us slaves forever.
Opal had wanted to stop waiting on them but had been unable to resist her own discomfort at doing that.  She gave in to her childhood training.  She bullied herself with self-doubt.  Maybe she hadn’t done enough or been good enough?  If only she’d kept trying, maybe they’d finally change?  She couldn’t stop hoping.  To give up on them would be a sin.

Although “Have I done enough?  Have I done everything?” seem like questions, actually, they are not.  Questions are questions because there can be at least two answers.  But there’s only one answer to those questions.  We can never know we’ve done enough; we can never have done everything possible.  The answers to those questions lie in the unknown future and maybe something new and different might work in the future.  Or maybe, for some reason, the old methods might work in the future.  We can never know.

Why do we call changing the hearts of bullies or narcissists, “a miracle?”
We are very accurate when we say that to change the hearts of bullies and narcissists requires a miracle.  Think about what a miracle means:

1. The probability of a miracle happening is really low.  Make your own guess.  One in a billion?  One in a trillion?
2. Making miracles is not in our control.  Making miracles is above our paygrade.  No matter what we do, we do not make miracles.

A better question is, “Do I want to keep going on that roller coaster ride?”
We get to answer that question.  We decide.  Opal was clear.  Something inside her had snapped and she was done trying to educate and convert her husband and that daughter.

The pain of their roller coaster ride was too great.  She wanted to go on different rides for the rest of her life.  She wanted rides that might bring her joy; rides which she could share with people whose behavior showed they loved and appreciated her.

Who am I to decide what’s good enough for me?
As soon as Opal decided to leave them, her heart leaped with joy.  She felt that a huge weight had been lifted off her back and the forever knot-in-her-stomach relaxed.  However, she rapidly began running the old guilt-tapes she’d carried since childhood.  She was scared by the thought of throwing the old tapes away and being on her own.  It would be arrogant and disloyal; she’d be alone and unloved.

But she was an adult now and could decide her own rules for life.  Especially when that meant throwing out rules from her past that had always made her life miserable.  Those were the old rules that kept her accepting negativity, criticism, sarcasm and many other demeaning behaviors.  Those were the rules that kept her chained to her abusers.

Once she dedicated herself to try different rules, what to do was clear.  How to do it wasn’t going to be easy.  So what?

Do we have to give up hope?
Not at all.  But we do have to give up being responsible for making them happy.  They’d have to figure out how to do that by themselves.  Opal still had hope they’d change someday.  She wished them happier lives.  But if they hated her all their lives, too bad for them.  They’d have to answer for their hate as well as their hate-filled behavior.

What can we do while we’re waiting for a miracle to occur?

1. Opal could now distinguish her husband and that daughter’s spirits, their Souls, the potential she saw in them, her hopes for them from their selfish, lazy, entitled personalities.  They chose to let their mean, nasty, vicious personalities were.  They’d sold their Souls to the worst of their personalities.
2. From a safe distance, Opal could light candles and pray for them.  She could wish them well.  And she knew she had to protect herself from their greed, power and control.  Her continued slavery would be bad for them.
3. If Opal had leverage or power over them, she might have been able to change their behavior, even if she couldn’t change their hearts.  But she didn’t.
4. She could create a wonderful life with people who cared for her in ways that made her feel good.  She could replace guilt and self-flagellation with appreciation that she’d finally started becoming the person she’d always wanted to be.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Five ways bullies, narcissists and “professional victims” think

Nora finally gave up trying to rescue and educate one of her adult daughters.  That daughter thought she should be the center of the whole family’s attention and love.  Her brother and sister, and her parents should give her what she wanted.

Her daughter's anger had no bounds; her needs were ever changing and endless.
She was entitled to special treatment and if she didn’t get what she wanted, she felt free to be as vindictive, bullying and abusive as she wanted.  She tried to set her siblings against each other and against her parents whenever she could.

Five ways many bullies, narcissists and “professional victims” think:

1. Their feelings are accurate, real, The Truth.  Their feelings matter the most and should be most important to everyone else.  No one is as sensitive; no one else’s feelings are important.
2. They are justified in what they feel; other people should understand them, which means agree with them and make them feel better.  They should get what they want immediately.  Everyone should be a slave or servant to their needs.
3. Their feelings cannot be changed by them; their feelings can be changed only when other people beg for forgiveness and give them what they want.
4. The target of the moment should give in to make peace.  Spectators and bystanders should be made to side with them and gang up to make their oppressor give in.
5. If they’re nasty or manipulative enough, their target will give in eventually.

“Professional Victims” gain control and turf by claiming they’re being victimized.
Other people walk around on egg shells trying to please them, make them feel good.

Five approaches that do not change the behavior of bullies, narcissists and “professional victims:”

1. Letting them vent and waiting for them to become reasonable so you can educate them.
2. Using evidence, facts, reason, logic to defend yourself.
3. Thinking that if you give in this time, they’ll be satisfied and they won’t demand any more.
4. Appealing to good values, conscience, caring and understanding for other people.
5. The Golden Rule, niceness, kindness, unconditional acceptance.

Three conditions that might make them change their behavior:

1. A change of heart, a miracle.
2. Their need of you makes them come to negotiate after they fail.
3. Your leverage and power.

Two unusual approaches might change their behavior:

1. Challenge them with a smile, in public, so other people join your side.
2. Embarrass them in public for attacking you (their demeaning, sarcastic, hurtful humor).

Nora gave up trying to satisfy that daughter.
She decided to protect the other children and herself and her husband.  She was not going to let that daughter sink the whole family.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Bullies, narcissists enjoy drama, your pain

Maggie finally stopped psychoanalyzing her parents and her adult children.  She accepted the accuracy of the idea she’d avoided for decades: they enjoyed crisis, drama and chaos.  They dropped bombs and swooped into to reap the spoils.  They enjoyed her pain.  That’s how they knew they were in control, had power and could feed on her emotional energy whenever they wanted.

Many bullies and narcissists enjoy melodrama and uproar.
They often talk behind people’s backs, work in the dark, pit people against each other, throw hissy-fits.  “Passive-aggressive” is too mild and wishy-washy to describe the emotional damage they cause.  They’re like hyenas or vultures feeding off the bloodshed, violence and war they create.  Pain and panic are like nutrition to their starved spirits.

They want everyone walking on egg-shells.
They want the whole family looking over their shoulders wondering when the next attack will come, afraid of not being perfect, thinking it’s their fault, accepting the blame, feeling guilty.  Often, they remain in the shadows while they stir up suspicion, distrust and fights.

Maggie started creating a bully-free environment by not taking their feelings and demands seriously.
She said openly that her parents’ needs did not require immediate responses from her and did not require her to do things the way they wanted.  She waited at least three days before responding to their calls.  She told them they could call emergency responders or have food and medicine delivered instead of demanding that she rush across town whenever they wanted.

She told her adult children that she was not on-call whenever they wanted her to make it possible for them to have fun.  She told them the purpose of her life was not to make theirs comfortable, easy and effortless.  She started sharing every text and email in which they said nasty things or told lies about each other.

Of course, there were consequences.
She had to face the rest of the family trying to make her feel guilty because she wasn’t loving, kind and caring enough.  She had to face her parents threatening to die alone and in poverty because she was an unloving and ungrateful daughter who wouldn’t serve them the way they wanted.  She had to face her children threatening to withhold the grandchildren because she was an unfit grandmother.

They were shocked when she said her life and wants were as important as theirs.
That was the big bomb she threw into the old family dynamic.  She was no longer a slave or servant.  Loving, kindly and caring did not mean she had to do whatever they wanted immediately.  She would find people who would love her tender, and appreciate and reciprocate her love and gifts.  She would not live in a melodramatic soap-opera.  She was not going to waste her time and energy on their temper-tantrums and hissy-fits.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

With bullies, narcissists you’re damned if you do/damned if you don’t

Lilly was shocked when she realized her husband and two of her three adult children were making her life miserable by doing the same thing.  The pain and anguish, the bullying and abuse had finally broken through her resistance to seeing people she loved as narcissists who enjoyed tormenting and torturing her.

She was damned if she did what they wanted and damned if she didn’t.
No matter what she did, it was never right and it was never enough.  Their demands changed in a moment, usually escalating.  Everything was her fault.  She was never good enough as a wife and mother.

The problem was not that they didn’t understand how hurt she felt.
No matter how she explained and tried to teach them about kindness, love, caring and good character, they ignored her.  She had no voice because they didn’t listen.  The shock was seeing that they enjoyed her frightened, bewildered look; her frustration and tears; her walking on eggshells.

The problem was that her flesh and blood, and the husband she’d accepted in a sacred ceremony enjoyed torturing her; enjoyed her pain; enjoyed the power and control over her.

Suddenly she stopped thinking it was her fault; stopped feeling guilty.
She used to think, “I must not be communicating clearly enough, they must not understand how hurt and angry I am, I must not be able to set boundaries, I must not be good enough, I must have been a bad mom.”  And “If I give in, they’ll leave me alone.  If I resist, they’ll attack me worse.”

Now she realized nothing she did actually made anything better or worse.  Whenever they wanted, they’d always find logical reasons for torturing her and blaming her.

They were choosing to torture her and she must choose to ignore how they thought and felt.
She chose to stop caring about their opinions.  She was a decent person and she did know what was right and wrong.  She could trust her gut.  She felt her own power over herself.  And she began to do what she wanted.

They complained and heaped blame on her.
With a laugh, she accepted all their labels of “bad mom, bad wife, selfish, uncaring.”  She did have real consequences they didn’t like every time they threw temper tantrums or tried to jerk her around with their reasons for being angry.  And she stopped trying to make their lives easy and convenient by enabling, caretaking and being their servant.

She was amazed how free she felt.  And how they changed in reaction to her filling her life with joy.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Cause bullies, narcissists pain

Kyra felt stuck.  If she tried to break her role in the family as caretaker, rescuer, enabler and scapegoat she would be causing her parents, her siblings and her adult children pain.  How could she cause pain and grief for the people she loved and felt sorry for?

Growing up in the chaos of a family with alcoholic and narcissistic parents, Kyra had tried to protect herself, her siblings and her parents from each other; from the lies, hypocrisy, manipulation, brutality, pain and rage that were constant.  She’d become the target of all the pain they dished out.  Her role was to give in, to take it, to rise above, to be strong enough to make them feel as good as she could.  Her pain didn’t matter to anyone.

Her adult children continued the pattern.  As soon as they were old enough, they forced her into the same roles.  Since her habitual way was trying to bring peace, order and consistency to chaos and pain, she went willingly.

What’s more important, politeness and long-term order or truth and justice?
Kyra finally had enough.  The negativity, criticism and back-stabbing, the bullying, abuse and narcissism had become overwhelming.  They denied everything, they said she was too sensitive and it was all her fault, they wouldn’t listen to her.

What’s more important, keeping an old way of being that destroys your Soul or giving your Soul the love, honor and freedom it needs to direct your life?
The future she’d always wanted was fading and disappearing.  Every time she tried to claim it, they snatched it away and drew her back into the family melodrama with her as the villain.  She felt her life was not in her control and would continue that way forever.

Her Spirit had risen up and simply said, “Enough!”  
Her health deteriorated and she wanted to run away from them all and disappear.  Her survival instinct rose up.  She’d always fought for survival and now she’d fight for her own life, the life she’d always wanted.  They’d respect her or else.

She wasn’t going to take it anymore.  But how could she be sure she was right when everyone disagreed with her?  And how about the guilt that flooded her when she thought of the pain and grief she’d cause them, breaking up the family they said was so important to them?

To have your own unique Soul-filled life you must cause predators (vampires, wolves, and leeches) and slave owners pain; you must cause bullies, narcissists and abusers pain.
Kyra found a place in her gut that felt like “Absolute Truth.”  She sensed the family dynamic in full clarity.  She was certain of what had happened to her and what would happen if she continued to play her role in this sham they called a loving family.

She was done carrying all their pain.  She was done being responsible for their happiness.  She was done with the sham.  She wanted a real family; a family in which she would be accepted for who she truly was, a family that appreciated, respected and honored her efforts, a family that wanted her tender love and loved her tender in return.

Their pain is the only chance you can offer to help them change.
Instead of seeing their pain and suffering as something bad she should feel guilty about causing, she now saw their pain and suffering as her invitation to them to change, to open up to new ways of being and loving.  She realized they’d never gain unless she acted in a way they’d choose to feel pain.  And they had free will.  They could accept her loving invitation or reject it.  In any case, she’d go looking for people in the tribe of her heart.  Them or other people; their choice.

Words alone are never enough; there must be painful consequences or they’ll never treat you right.
Kyra realized that the history of her whole life showed they wouldn’t change when she tried kindness and reason, when she tried to educate them, to show them better ways to interact, to rescue them from the pain they inflicted on each other and on themselves.

She would not act mean or nasty.  She would simply act firm, determined and courageous.  If necessary, she do what she said matter-of-factly.

There had to be consequences; she would break the family dynamic.
She’d even act in public, even if they were embarrassed.  Their apologies would be nice but wouldn’t count for much.  They’d have to make amends.  You wouldn’t let them off the hook; wouldn’t let them think they’d gotten past it because she’d accepted an apology.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

With bullies, narcissists don’t “just move on”

Jeri was tired of being told to “stop being so sensitive, be more forgiving, just move on, get over it, make peace, start fresh.”

Jeri’s 32 year-old daughter had blown up the holidays, as she usually did. Excuse this time was Jeri’s fiancé hadn’t told her enough times how wonderful she was.  She wasn’t going to put up with Jeri marrying a man who wouldn’t give her all the money she wanted (as a good step-father should) and who didn’t approve of her new boyfriend because he showed up drunk, as usual.  She wasn’t coming to Jeri’s wedding.

Her daughter had been selfish, narcissistic, bullying and abusive all her life, even before Jeri had finally divorced her ex-husband for the same traits plus his gambling away her money.

Jeri’s parents and extended family had also said the same things whenever her younger sister had destroyed her favorite things, stolen her jewelry and put her down in public.

Families usually give in to the person who throws the biggest temper tantrums and won’t stop.
They think the mean, vicious, nasty person won’t change so they try to coerce the nice, polite person to accept bullying and abuse in the name of “peace” or “family.”  They give in to their fear and cowardice.  They won’t stand up for justice and good standards of behavior if that means conflict, confrontation and discord.  They want peace at any price.  So the most hysterical or crazy or determined person has the power and wields it ruthlessly.

That only encourages the sharks to take bigger bites out of their target’s flesh.  Jeri’s extended family were spectators to the drama of watching the martyr/scapegoat thrown to the lion.

We can’t stop bullies and narcissists by being nice and polite or by explaining carefully and lovingly why they should change.
They’re getting their way; they can be lazy, mean, greedy and vicious, and they’ll get what they want so why should they change.  The 20th Century showed clearly that when we give into bullies and narcissists, we make mountains out of molehills.  Bystanders can watch alligators feed while hoping they’ll be the last ones eaten.  Eventually the initial spectators will get eaten also.

Life is not a spectator sport.
We can’t stand by – which means tolerate and support and encourage – bullies or narcissists.  We must stand up against evil, or we collude and enable its rise.

We can’t start fresh when we face the same old bullying, narcissistic personality.
Jeri realized that if she accepted or tolerated the same behavior, she’d be harming, not helping, her daughter.  She’d never be providing her daughter with an important lesson and consequences.  Her sister had been allowed to keep behaving the way she always had, with only gentle suggestions to try to help her.  She’d never changed and Jeri could see the same path in front of her daughter.  Jeri threw away her guilt.

We can start fresh with a “new person” only after a miracle has occurred.
Jeri’s daughter and sister need a change of heart.  They need to become different personalities in order to be welcomed back into Jeri’s life.

Miracles are above our pay-grade.
The word “miracle” also describes the probability that it will occur.  All Jeri could do was set standards and keep encouraging her daughter to have a miracle.  And pray and light candles.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Bullies, narcissists respect power, not kindness, understanding or reason

When Inga’s daughter was young, she was the perfect child.  She lavished praise on Inga, never argued, helped around the house and got good grades.  Other parents were jealous.

When she became sixteen and Inga got her a car, she began to change.  She said she was now in charge of her life and could do what she wanted.  She threw temper tantrums, stayed out as late as she wanted and told Inga her job as a parent was to make her happy.  Inga accepted it all, hoping it was a phase and her “real” daughter would return with love.

Her daughter moved with negativity, criticism and abuse through the college Inga paid for.  When she married, she made Inga do all the work for the wedding, pay for everything she wanted and, at the reception, yelled at Inga for being a horrible mother who never loved her enough and tried to ruin her life.  Inga was mortified.

Two children later, her daughter had complete control over Inga.  If Inga didn’t please her, she would not be allowed to see the grandchildren.  She mocked Inga in front of her friends and even in front of Inga’s.  She seemed to relish torturing Inga by changing her mind at any whim.  She laughed at Inga, saying “How do you like it now that I’m in charge.  Do you hate it as much as I used to?”

Bullies and narcissists are addicted to their relationship to power.
They see the whole world in terms of power, not any of the ethical or moral values we have.  Bullies, narcissists respect power, not kindness, understanding or reason.

If someone has power over them, their most typical reactions are:

• Act subservient and suck-up.
• Rebel.  They resist and fight or try to take the power away by open attack or sneaky manipulation and back-stabbing.

If they have power over someone, their most common tactics are:

• Torment, torture, abuse, bully, take advantage of the less powerful.
• Act like a master.  Make the weak to do all the work, worship them and endure beatings with a smile.  They strut like Gods walking the earth, and they will not allow the inferior to respect anyone else.

Asking without consequences is begging.
Inga tried every method she could think of to educate and rehabilitate her daughter.  When Inga preached and followed the Golden Rule, her daughter, demanded more.  Her selfishness had no limit.  To her daughter, Inga’s, love, caring, kindness and open door meant Inga was weak and would submit to any control and abuse.

We can’t change bullies and narcissists by appealing to their shame, guilt, conscience, morals and ethics.  Since they enjoy the adrenaline rush of control and power, they have no reason to change.  They have no appreciation; any more than a master has for a slave.  Inga had learned that the hard way.

We must use power and leverage to get bullies and narcissists to act civilized.
Even though their hearts haven’t changed, sometimes they can be made to behave nicely.  But beware, they’re only waiting for an opportunity to become the master again.

Don’t give bullies and narcissists what they want; we can’t make them happy enough to change.
When they lose everything, a few might be cracked open enough to change.  When a heart is changed, we call that a miracle; which tells us how often it occurs and that making it happen is above our pay-grades.  The kindest, most compassionate and loving thing we can do for a bully or narcissist is to help them fail as quickly as possible.

Inga got lucky.  Her daughter’s marriage finally fell apart when her husband couldn’t stand the same treatment she’d dished out to him.  They’d been deeply in debt and Inga’s daughter got nothing.  She was totally dependent on Inga.  Inga used her leverage wisely.

Inga got over her guilt and shame; she had accepted that a rotten child was the mother’s fault.  She was freed when she began to say in public, “My daughter’s kind of crazy; she’s a controlling narcissist who wants to treat me like a slave.”  She was surprised when many people sympathized and told her about their selfish children.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Bullies, narcissists’ convenience matters most

To bullies and narcissists, their convenience and wishes matter more than anything else.

These examples have a common theme, a pattern:

1. Hillary’s son was enraged at her again.  She’d broken her hip and was in the hospital over New Year’s Day, just when he wanted to come to stay at her house with his wife and another couple so they could enjoy New Year’s Eve in the big city.  Now, if he came, he’d have to waste his precious time visiting her in the hospital and she wouldn’t want them to stay in her house without her.  She was so inconsiderate.
2. Henry’s friends were so upset at him.  He wasn’t doing what they needed.  He’d gotten a new, large patio table and had offered them his old one, which was still in good condition and which they’d admired.  He told them if they didn’t want it, he’d have a charity come and get it.  They were excited to get it and wanted him to deliver it on Saturday between 10 and 11.  That was the only time convenient for them.  He said he was busy all weekend and they’d have to drive over with their truck and take it.  They told Henry he was selfish, narcissistic and way too demanding of their time.
3. Helen’s parents were extremely agitated when they called her.  They’d decided the most important thing was for her to leave her family and move immediately into their house to take care of them.  They didn’t want to leave their house and they were sure they’d need her in a few years so she might as well get started today.  They wanted some grocery shopping today and a trip to see some friends.  When Helen said she wouldn’t leave her family and become their full-time servant, they became outraged.  “You’ve always been a good girl waiting on us and now you’ve turned selfish and ungrateful.  We don’t want to spend our money paying people to do what you should.  We can’t imagine living the way we want without your full-time help.”

Bullies and narcissists think they’re important; you’re not.
Their time and comfort matter; yours doesn’t.  They want to control you.  Usually, the only time they initiate contact is when they want something or they’re spending ten seconds to keep you hooked as a willing servant or slave.

Some common tactics of bullies and narcissists are:

1. They review your schedule and plans to show you what you must ignore or change so you can do what they want.
2. They get demanding, abusive and try to beat you into submission.  They’re negative, critical and righteous; they know best.  They throw hissy-fits loaded with personal attacks and threats.  They lie about history: “I’ve done so much for you and you never do anything for me.”
3. When their targets won’t do what they want, they accuse them of what they’re actually guilty of; selfishness, narcissism, entitlement.
4. They try to manipulate using guilt-trips: “I feel unloved, you always put yourself or other people first, you’re a bad parent and a good parent would want me to be happy.”
5. They threaten about the future: “If you don’t do what I want, your grandchildren will grow up hating you and no one will love you and you’ll die alone.”

Hillary, Henry and Helen all found ways to get over their guilt and to establish their boundaries.  They used their inherent power.  They took strong actions with consequences in the face of their predators/masters.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Stop slaving for narcissistic husband, adult children

Gail’s husband continued the training her parents had begun.  He was in charge and her roles were to:

1. Serve him every moment.  She was not allowed to have wishes of her own or to leave without permission.
2. Smile submissively and adoringly while taking the criticism and negativity, the public put-downs and demeaning comments, the bullying and abuse.  She was the dog he could kick any time he was bored, stressed or upset at anything.

Three children later he was still trying to break her spirit.  He was willing to let her serve the children as long as they did not interfere with her service of him.  When their demands interfered, he made them live in fear of his anger.  Her children soon expected her to fulfill the role of their servant; they were entitled.

When the children were teens, Gail woke up and refused to play her old role.
She told the kids they had to treat her with politeness, respect and appreciation.  Most importantly, she started saying, “No” when they demanded immediate service.  That upset them and they became even nastier.  “Your job is to give us everything and make us happy.  You to prove your love to us.  You’re a bad mother.  We won’t love you anymore.  You should feel guilty.”

When she told her husband the same thing, he retaliated.
He told the children they were right; they deserved to be waited on, Gail was a bad person.  All their bad feelings were her fault.  He told their friends and neighbors how rotten she’d become.  He made up tales of her lies and affairs.

At first Gail thought it would be wrong to tell the children the truth about their father’s treatment of her.
She thought children needed to think the best about their father.  Then she realized she was at war with him for the sake of their Souls; their good character.  For their sakes, she had to fight to win.

As Gail was divorcing him, she challenged the kids.
She told them she could see they were deciding how to be when they were adults.  It was hard to be polite and kind.  It was hard to do some of the work.  It was hard to develop self-control and self-discipline.  It was tempting to feel entitled, demanding and narcissistic.  It was easy to blame other people and try to beat them into submission.  But did they want to sell their Souls to their laziness, selfishness and greed?

She reminded them to trust their feelings.  With whom can you be happy?  Who are you afraid of disagreeing with because you’re afraid he’ll retaliate?  How good do you feel when you’re blaming, angry and demanding?  Of course you feel powerful then, but do you want to be a person who feels and acts like that?  Is that the highest you aspire to be?

Gail said high standards of behavior were more important than getting what they wanted by using other people.
She challenged them to do the hard work, to become better people than their selfish father.  After the divorce, two of her three children came with her.  They said they began to respect and appreciate her when she started to say, “No.”  They decided they would do the work to give in order to get.

The other child went to live with her father.  She was narcissistic, angry and demanding her whole life.  And she was the one who failed: she couldn’t hold a job and lived with or married a long series of men just like her father.  And fought with them for power and control every day.

Gail prayed for her, but that daughter didn’t change.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Empathy, compassion don’t stop bullies, narcissists

Dana was an empath, always compassionate and understanding of her sisters and her youngest daughter.  They’d suffered so much that Dana felt she had to give into them, try to make them happy and overlook or minimize their criticism, bullying and abuse of herself and her other children.

Dana was stuck in the “Empathy Trap.”
The more she understood how they’d suffered growing up and the more she psychoanalyzed their pains and motives, the more she believed she had to accept and tolerate their overt hostility and sneaky negativity, whining, manipulation and back-stabbing.  Their greed and emotional neediness demanded that she understand and forgive them.  If she didn’t, she was cruel, heartless and guilty.

That kind of psychoanalysis makes targets put up with being victimized.
Psychoanalysis trivialized Dana’s pain to make her explain, understand and forgive them.  Dana wanted to be a good person; kind, loving and understanding.  There seemed no way out for her, even though she knew her other children were also suffering.

How could Dana resist when she felt so sorry for them?
When Dana realized she had believed a lie, it was easy.  She’d been taught the only way to show understanding and empathy was to give in to them.  That’s what they wanted her to believe.  But it’s a lie.

Dana realized she could have strong feelings for their suffering; she could understand and feel sorry they chose narcissism and bullying as their default styles.  And that giving in and catering to them never changed their feelings or behavior.  They felt more powerful and increased their demands.

Giving in to them only perpetuated their behavior; she’d become an enabler, a colluder, an accomplice.
Dana decided the best way to help them was to show them that their chosen victimhood, their outrage and attacks, their vindictive, sneaky manipulation and guilt-tripping would not get them what they wanted.  Kicking them off her Isle of Song was the best teaching lesson for them.

Now she could love them and feel compassion for them from a distance.
She could light candles, she could pray, she could hope a miracle changed their hearts and their favorite tactics to get what they wanted.  And sometimes she’d say, “You must do better and I know you can.”

As Maya Angelou said, “Being kind doesn’t mean one has to be a mat.”

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.